


Astrid's Diary

by ShipMistress



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternative Perspective, Astrid Hofferson-centric, Canon Compliant, F/M, I had sooo many plans!, I spent A LOT of time watching and rewatching episodes to make this story fit in, Pining, Romance, Unfinished, and I lost my inspiration for this fic..., and then RTTE4 screwed them all, unbetaed, unedited
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 38,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27508354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShipMistress/pseuds/ShipMistress
Summary: Follow Astrid's POV in the form of her diary as she grows from the girl we see at the beginning of HTTYD1 into the young woman we see (in the middle) of RTTE.What did she think about Hiccup in the beginning and what made her change her mind? And how was she feeling during the months and years that followed? What was she thinking about Dragon's Edge and the things that happened to them there?Here's my take on all these questions.
Relationships: Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Comments: 23
Kudos: 36





	1. HTTYD1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first story I ever wrote, back in 2016. And be warned, I never got to finish it!  
> But I still wanted to post what I have here as well. If you are here because you like my writing, be aware that I didn't have the time or energy to edit and correct all the mistake my younger self made, so you'll have to deal with that. ^^"

**Anticipation**

Dear Diary

It's been a while since I wrote to you. 9 years have passed since Uncle Finn died and those have been fairly good for me. My mind is set; I'll become Berk's best warrior ever. To avenge my uncle and to prove to everyone that the Hoffersons are no cowards! I've trained my strength and weapon skills and Gobber announced yesterday that we'll start our dragon training next week. I'm so excited! Finally, I can prove myself!

Maybe you wonder why I'm telling you this now after all these years of silence… Well, after waiting for so long finally something happens, here on Berk and in my life. I have to talk to someone about it! And the others surely are no use there! Snotlout and the Twins have no brain to even consider thinking and Fishlegs has probably too much of it, only wired all wrong. All these facts and numbers! As if one could simply sum up a living creature like a dragon in values of speed and strength...

Hiccup Haddock used to be a good partner for conversations, a friend even, but ever since he started working in the forge, even that changed. He should accept the fact that he's not a warrior and never will be. But no, he has to try and help as he calls it! He could be a great blacksmith which would help, too. But no, again, he wants to kill dragons, only Odin knows why. He'll probably get eaten sooner or later. Well, rather sooner than later, pitifully. I really used to like him back when we were kids.

But you see why I had to dig you out of my trunk again. Only you can help me sort through my thoughts right now. And I have a feeling you might be well needed.

I'll be writing you again soon!

PS: My mother said I shouldn't focus so much on fighting. _Being a warrior is good but don't forget to live. Look for a husband and build your own family, don't miss your chances._ She said. Can you believe that?

* * *

**Compared to a dream**

Dear Diary

Sometimes I hate my mother. Ever since she mentioned this husband-thing last week, my thoughts keep drifting away. I need to focus! Dragon training is not far off and I cannot afford to get distracted right now.

So I'll tell all these thoughts to you now and hopefully, they'll leave me in peace afterwards.

Here it is: Both my parents have been warriors for all their life and I never saw them as anything else. But during the past few days, I noticed many small things that keep me wondering. How they talk and laugh over the small things of daily life, how they communicate with looks and gestures only, How they exchange kisses and sweet nothings when they feel unobserved. I took these entire things for granted but without a man at my side, a husband who cares for me, all this won't be a part of my life. And I realized I'm longing for this. Not now! But someday…

Three nights ago I even dreamed about something like that! A man, I never could see his face, wrapped his arm around my waist, pulled me close to him and kissed me. Such a strange dream! I can't imagine letting me be treated like that, ever. Like he was in charge, or something. But the weirdest thing is, in that dream, I liked it. I liked him being the one to start and end the kiss. And I liked me being… weak?

When I think of this now I don't see me act like that, ever! I would never let a man just treat me like this! But this dream… my thoughts keep drifting towards it, toward him. I catch myself wondering who that man is, this warrior who's strong and brave, intelligent and kind. Somehow I know he's all that. I keep asking myself whether he really exists and whether I may find him. If so, it means I have to leave Berk and my family behind to travel the sea for I surely won't find him here! My options on Berk leave something to be desired...

I mean there are only four boys here my age and since I cannot imagine myself as a successive wife to a widower I would have to stick to them. Snotlout probably is the closest to being that warrior for he's strong and a good fighter and all… But bravery would require him to understand that there's any danger and he's far so stupid for that. Additionally, I would never describe him as kind. No, I can't see myself with Snotloud. Not at all!

Tuffnut? He might be not as strong but he can be cunning when it comes to traps and thinking ahead for them to work. But he, too, is not known for his intelligence or kindness.

Then there is Fishlegs. His size alone makes him strong and brave, too, since he has not as many things to be afraid of as others. And surely he is intelligent. And kind. Too kind I'd say to be a real warrior. He's off my list, too.

That leaves Hiccup... Weak and clumsy and idiotic Hiccup! Why oh why can't he stop this nonsense with all his inventions? None had ever worked and I doubt any ever will! So, he's not strong. He's not brave, for a true Viking would never use cowardly machines like that. He might be intelligent, but not intelligent enough to invent something useful. And if he had any kindness in him, he would stop trying to help, dammit!

Only today he destroyed our victory by freeing every single caught dragon and letting them fly away with half our stocks for the winter. Accidentally of course... Ha! I wouldn't be surprised to find him in league with the dragons somehow.

You see, it is hopeless! Unfortunately, there are no suitable husbands for me here on Berk, not anymore...

So, I hope this will help me focus. I'm really looking forward to my first lesson in killing dragons!

* * *

**The Gronckle lesson**

Dear Diary

Finally, today was our first lesson in dragon training. We had to face an ugly Gronckle and simply survive by trying not to get hit by its lava. To be honest I was a little disappointed. It really was a very simple lesson. There is one thing about Fishlegs' numbers that actually _is_ useful and that's the number of shots a dragon has. So the beast got to shoot its six shots and then Gobber hurled it back into its cage. As I said, disappointing.

A surprise however, and not a good one, was Hiccup attending our training as well. He looked just as out of place as I would have imagined him in the arena. And he actually managed to get himself almost killed. By a Gronckle! That's pathetic…

I probably should talk to Gobber about this. There is no use in letting Hiccup try to prove himself when everyone knows he's just not up to it! Or-

No, that can't be it. I just had a horrible thought. What if the chief let Hiccup join on purpose, practically counting on him to die? He then could name another one as his heir, without any shame to his family name. No... No, I can't imagine Stoick the Vast being that callous. But then… Maybe I should keep an eye on Hiccup during training… Knock him out or something, that would be better anyway. For everyone!

* * *

**The Nadder lesson**

Dear Diary

I'll defiantly knock him out next time! Or kill him myself! AARGG! He's such an idiot, so useless and probably laughing about the rest of us.

Okay, okay… Calm down, Astrid. Keep breathing. In. Out. … … … AAAARGGG!

…

…

…

Okay, so here's the thing. Today, we had another lesson in dragon training. We had to hide from a Deadly Nadder. That means being fast and quiet, always in its blind spot. To be fair and honest, everyone failed there. The Twins started an argument again and Snotlout started to flirt, _again!_ *gag* All whilst fighting one of the most dangerous dragons we know of. Clearly, as I mentioned before, no brain in those heads…

Fishlegs chickened out, by the way. I only caught glimpses of him running away. Clearly, he's not that brave after all!

And Hiccup? What do you think that useless idiot did? Right, he ruined every attempt by talking or banging his shield to the ground. Every time, the beast found me again and at the end, it almost killed us both just because my ax got caught in his stupid shield. I didn't really mean it when I wrote about him being in league with the dragons but now I wonder. Either he's far more clumsy and stupid than I thought or he does all this on purpose. I'll defiantly keep an eye on him!

* * *

**The Zippleback lesson**

Dear Diary

Maybe I should have knocked him out after all when I had the chance. As I said I kept an eye on Hiccup and he really acted very weird. In part that's not his fault; he may be just reacting to the mockery. In that case, I would be to blame as well for I joined the snide remarks by Snotlout, Tuffnut, and Ruffnut. I actually feel sorry for that but he's so weird! Only two weeks ago he would sit with us during meals. It's not that we all were friends but we grew up together and that does count for something. That changed when we started dragon training. The picking on him got worth and he retreated more and more. These days he sits alone at another table and disappears into nowhere as soon as our lessons are over. I wanted to follow him but this last training… It was just too weird and when I remembered what I had planned to do, he was already gone.

We faced a Hideous Zippleback, nasty beast, and had to work in pairs in order to drench the right head with water. Meaning the flashy one. You know, what I mean… Truth be told we all failed and it actually wasn't Hiccup's fault. The weird thing is what happened then. Hiccup managed to get the dragon back into its box. All by his own without any weapons or equipment. He just walked slowly towards it and the dragon backed away. Almost as if it was afraid of him. Of Hiccup! He talked to it, too. Something like 'Back! Back! Don't you make me tell you again!' Like he was talking to a little child only it was a dragon and it seemed to understand him. I've never seen anything like that!

And before anyone realized what happened Hiccup was gone...

I don't know what to think of this. Maybe I'm still too stunned. Surely tomorrow will be better!

* * *

**Training proceeds**

Dear Diary

This is getting ridiculous! I've trained almost my entire life to become a dragon killer and scrawny, stupid Hiccup wins every match! I don't know how he's doing it! Every time I think I'm doing quite well. I sneak up on the dragon quite fast, get my axe ready and when I start to launch the dragon's already on the ground at Hiccup's feet. And he didn't even use any weapons again. It's really frustrating!

Why is he so much better than me? Is he doing some secret training? But how? I don't think Gobber could train him in any way that would explain his success. And if it's not Gobber then who else would willingly to train Hiccup? No, that can't be it.

So there is only one explanation left. If it's not Hiccup who suddenly became some kind of god with the dragons then it must be me. I'm obviously really not as good as I thought I'd be.

But no, that would mean the others are just as bad and secretly Hiccup had always been good at fighting dragons. Ha! Good Joke, Astrid… No, it has to be something else…

When I practised axe-throwing in the forest the other day I saw him sneaking around there. He acted very suspiciously and when he saw me, he got really nervous. I wonder what he was doing out there. I'll try to figure it out! Follow him or something.

Well, in two days we have our final lesson and Gothi is going to decide who the best dragon fighter is. Maybe she'll recognize skill over dumb luck.

I'll tell you about it afterwards.

* * *

**The day that changed everything**

Dear Diary

This day is over. Was it really just one day? So much happened! I can only begin to work through all of this. But one thing's for sure. I'll never be the same person I was this morning ever again. But I better start at the beginning. Maybe it'll help me to understand some of today's events.

There was our final lesson, the decision between Hiccup and me. The great day! Ha! That feels so insignificant now. To make it short, Hiccup won. He had the dragon, a Deadly Nadder, down again before I even reached it. When Gothi declared him to be the winner I was soo, soo very angry. I remember it but I cannot feel any of this anger anymore. Just as I expected, Hiccup sneaked away as soon as possible and I followed him focused on not losing him again in the forest.

I found him in a hidden cove, wearing some kind of strange harness. It seemed suspicious to me and when I confronted him, he got pretty evasive. He was so obviously lying that I wanted to beat the truth out of him, maybe using my ax a little, too. But before I could do any of this, a black dragon appeared from nowhere, jumping towards us, baring its teeth and growling. I readied my axe to defend us but Hiccup launched at said axe and wrenched it out of my hands. Suddenly he stood between the dragon and me and for a moment, I thought he heroically wanted to protect me.

But then he started talking to the beast, appeasing it and at the same time blamed me for frightening him. Yes, him, for the dragon, a Night Fury obviously, seemed to be his pet. He even named it. Toothless, haha. I may never understand how he was able to actually introduce us without laughing about that name while the beast snarled at me. Or so I thought at least... I scrambled to my feet and ran. I ran for my life away from Hiccup who obviously went mad and away from that dragon. The Unholy Offspring of Lightning and Death Itself. That's what we call this dragon. How could anyone befriend a beast like that?

I didn't get far before something, Toothless, grabbed my arm and lifted me high into the air. I thought then that I would surely die. The beast dropped me right above a tree and I managed to get hold of a branch before I fell into a chasm. When I looked up, I saw Hiccup sitting on that dragon's back, towering over me. He begged me to listen, to let him show me something and without any choice, I agreed.

I climbed off the tree and onto the dragon's back behind Hiccup. When I now think of this moment, it might well have been the most important moment of my life so far. But back then, I was simply frightened to death and it didn't get any better when the dragon started to fly. He seemed determined to scare me as much as possible and flew up high only to tumble down again, rolling. He dived into the ocean again and again. I probably screamed, clinging to Hiccup and hiding my face against his neck. I couldn't watch us tumble down to die, I was just too frightened.

But then it happened. The flight became calmer and when I finally dared to open my eye, I was… well... _flying!_ Only not in the I-will-surely-die way but more the I-must-be-dreaming way. We drifted towards the sunset through the clouds and I actually could touch one of them. It was so wonderful. I have never felt so free before. We flew for what seemed like hours and I had a lot of time to think for Hiccup didn't say one word the whole time.

I then had to readjust my estimations of Hiccup completely. And after all this time I owed him to be really honest, with myself at least.

I had to start with my resentment of the last weeks which originated in… erm… jealousy. I couldn't understand how he managed to be so good and he made me doubt myself which felt horrible to me. But when I understood that point, all the bad feelings disappeared like mist in the sun. He never was a better fighter than me. He just understood the dragons far better. And yes, in a way he actually was in league with them. Only not in a traitorous way but rather a peace-bringing one.

Then there was my resentment of the past five years. You know, that we were friends once and I always regretted the loss of this friendship. Maybe it could have been even more than friendship if only he wouldn't have been so annoying on too many occasions. But now, I understand more of these occasions. Yes, he never was a good fighter but I start to think that might not necessarily be a bad thing. Without the feelings of resentment, I can admit to myself that his skills as a blacksmith are really good. I never liked him working there but that's probably because I always associated it with being the start of him changing away from me. But I guess it wasn't the start. It was only another symptom. I still have to figure out what started it though.

And that left on estimation to readjust, meaning the one I made about two weeks ago after my strange dream. As I said I had a long dreamlike flight to think through all of this. I realized then that this unknown man from my dream was probably sitting right in front of me, literally.

I mean… it's really hard to describe but I'll try anyway. For once he's not strong. That's still true. But he does have muscles; I could feel them fairly well through his tunic. Working in the forge didn't make him bulky and he'll probably never win an arm-wrestling match against Snotlout. But he's not weak either.

And he is brave! Odin knows, he must be. He befriended a Night Fury after all. And the way he sat there in front of me, so sure and calm. I actually admired him for that.

His intelligence and kindness haven't ever been a real issue. If I'm honest and I really want to be than my former estimation of these values was more than just a little biased. Years of hurt, of missing my friend made me resent him. But seeing this new side of him… It provoked me to rethink my behaviour. I was changing at that time, too. Maybe we both are to blame for not comprehending each other. And maybe, this is our second chance!

My dear, dear Diary. It made me feel light as a feather to even think these words while we flew above our village at night. Writing it down now may seal my fate but I have to do it. I just have to! I fell in love with Hiccup during this flight! Or maybe these feeling were only renewed, stronger and truer than they ever have been before.

I am in love with Hiccup.

Dammit!

I only wish this realization was the end of this day.

Actually… I'm too tired and worn out to write more now. I will tell you tomorrow. I have too much on my mind to deal with this other thing as well right now. And what's more pressing anyway: Hiccup has to kill a Monstrous Nightmare in front of the entire village tomorrow and I know for a fact that he won't do it! So what other outcomes are left?

* * *

**Worst days ever**

Dear Diary

I feel like I'm dying. In every moment, with every breath, I'm dying. Hiccup is injured and might never wake up again. I keep wondering whether I could have prevented this from happening but I'm at a loss of ideas. It wouldn't change anything anyway. I spend almost all my time watching him, lying pale and motionless in his bed. All these wasted years keep pressing me down and I can't breathe.

But I have to tell you what happened. The thing I couldn't tell you the other day was that at the end of our flight on Toothless through the night, we happened to discover the Dragon's Nest. There lived a gigantic dragon we now call the Red Death. Hiccup and I discovered with Toothless' help that the dragons were only raiding Berk because they were forced to do so.

When Hiccup then fought the Monstrous Nightmare, everything went wrong. Stoick discovered Toothless and forced him to show him the way to the Dragon's Nest. Hiccup then taught Snotlout, the Twins, Fishlegs and me how to train and fly dragons. We flew after the ships. Our warriors were unable to fight the Red Death but we on our dragons could do it. We managed to free Toothless and Hiccup defeated the Red Death practically on his own. But the price he had to pay for the victory was too high. The Red Death died in an explosion and Hiccup fell from the sky. I still see this horrible image in my head. Hiccup falling into the flames. Toothless bearly able to reach him. And then, nothing. Silence. Only smoke and dust remained. Stoick was the first to discover Toothless lying on the ground, unmoving. In that moment, my heart stopped beating, too. The chief then announced that Hiccup was still alive and I was so relieved. Only the relief turned to dread when we discovered Hiccup's injuries. The healers are unsure whether he'll make it or not. He lost a leg for sure.

I keep caring for Toothless and the Deadly Nadder that Hiccup made me train and fly. I called her Stormfly and these two dragons are the only comfort I have right now. I wish so dearly Hiccup would wake up. I have so many things to tell him; my feelings for him and my gratitude for bringing Stormfly into my life. And so much more.

Please, Hiccup. Please wake up. Please…

* * *

**The End of everything we knew**

Dear Diary

It's been two weeks now since Hiccup defeated the Red Death. He still did not wake up but the healers say he's going to do so soon. I'm waiting for it every minute. I'm sitting here in my room at the window, watching the Haddock house for anything to happen.

I see Stoick leaving the house right now. He looks broken and worn out. I know that he blames himself for what happened. He told me so during the first days after…

It is strange. I never had much to do with our Chief. But during these days, I got to know him in a way I never expected to. Everyone knows him as one of the toughest warriors Berk has ever seen. He would never break and never back down. But behind this, there is a caring man with a big heart. I never thought of these as being good things but now I understand that compassion is not a weakness. It makes one stronger for it gives a reason to fight. Under these circumstances, Hiccup might be the strongest of us all.

I -

Dear Diary

I'm sorry for my abrupt ending the last time. I saw Hiccup leaving his house and forgot everything else. He's awake and will be fine. He's also getting used to his fake leg, he just said so the other day. I'm so relieved!

Berk is changing by the day. Everywhere one looks are dragons. No-one's fighting them and most people get used to them quite fast. I can see children cuddle a Gronckle and old Gothi seems to be fond of Terrible Terrors. It is amazing!

You may wonder how I'm doing. I'm…fine. Things haven't developed as I expected them to. When Hiccup woke, I immediately ran toward him. I couldn't help myself I punched him on the arm for scaring me so much.

And then I kissed him right on his lips in front of everyone. It felt so right in that moment but now I'm not so sure about it anymore. He did say he could get used to it. That is good, isn't it? But since that day he never mentioned anything or did anything. I feel like an idiot! I assumed as soon as I would let him see my feelings we would be together. It never occurred to me that he might not feel the same for me. But that's what it seems to be. I'm such a fool. It serves me right I guess.

But who knows. Hiccup is alive and well and we have the dragons and a whole new future ahead of us.


	2. RoB (and GOTNF)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. There's apparently been some misunderstanding so I want to clear that up. I have ten chapters written for this story in total and I'm going to post a new one here every other day or so. In the end, the story isn't finished. But I hope I'll find the motivation to at least write an outline for what I'd planned so that there can be some closure. 
> 
> From this chapter on there also will be some actual life scenes. Some things are worth it.
> 
> Have fun reading :)

**Daily life**

** Dear Diary **

The past few months on Berk have been very busy. Without the need of fighting off dragons and without them taking away all our stocks there is a whole lot more of free time. But then there are other things to do now. Repairing buildings for example. Luckily we don't have to help there since we have other things to do.

'We' means the old team Fishlegs, Snotlout, Tuffnut, Ruffnut and me. And Hiccup of course for he is practically the leader of this little group. We are the dragon riders of Berk now. It surprised me when after Hiccup's success against the Red Death and the whole Peace-with-the-dragons-thing no one else dared to actually get a dragon of his own. But that's just how it is.

We practice almost every day to fly, manoeuvre and fight with our dragons. My Stormfly really is a great dragon. I adore her. She's fast and strong and beautiful and intelligent. She also became a real friend to me. She's the first thing I see in the morning when she looks through my window. And she understands when I'm sad and comforts me.

And I do at times nowadays, feeling sad I mean. I mean, it's a little stupid. Hiccup and I became really good friends during the past weeks. We have a kind of understanding none of the others share. It is not however what I would have wished for. We are close but in a different way. That will have to be enough for now.

It seems to me that all he really cares about are the dragons and their training. So I try my best to be really good with this. Maybe it's foolish trying to impress him like that. But then he's not the only reason I'm doing this. As I said, Stormfly _is_ great.

But Hiccup really never reacted in any way to me kissing him. I thought that maybe... with some time… Ah, who am I kidding? He's simply not interested in me in any romantic way. I should accept that. It's just not that easy!

For example, it always bothered me when Snotlout started his flirting attempts. But now I become downright angry. I want to hit him or kick him especially when he starts it while Hiccup is around. I feel like I have to prove I'm not interested in Snotlout which is stupid, really…

Another thing is that I'm always aware of him when he's around. I always know exactly where he is and subconsciously orientate myself towards him. Pathetic I know… I just want to be near him.

We had Snoggletog the other week and Hiccup proved again his talent with dragons. How he managed to bring them back to us was really amazing. I was so grateful and it was Snoggletog and… I don't know. I…kissed him again although I knew it was stupid. I immediately embraced him afterwards, so I wouldn't have to see his face, which was a wise decision for he didn't react. He only worried about the then still missing Toothless. It was selfish I know… But it hurt that I couldn't even distract him for a moment. Toothless is always the first thing on his mind.

Don't misunderstand me. I don't dislike Toothless or anything! He's great and I'm glad he's part of Hiccup's life now.

And I love watching those two fly together! Seeing the pure bliss on Hiccup's face whenever he's flying does make my heartache but I'm also happy for him. I know he didn't have a real friend these past years which is in part my fault.

Maybe there will always be only the small things for me to enjoy. Like when the two of us were snowed up in that cave made by Toothless' and Stormfly's wings. He was holding me in his arms to keep me warm which felt really good. I'll savour this memory for I don't think something like that will happen again anytime soon… or at all…

**Alvin the Treacherous**

** Dear Diary **

I have to tell you now about an incident that may very well influence our whole future. Mildew, the scarecrow of an old man who hates dragons, put on some kind of frame to make everyone believe our dragons were responsible for destroying our village. And he was successful; Stoick had no choice but to abandon all our dragons to a far-off island. Alvin the Treacherous, a longtime enemy to Berk, used right that time to try and kidnap Hiccup. His reputation's running wild. Apparently, he's known as 'The Great Dragon Conqueror' and at least 10 feet tall… … … haha

Ah well, that gave me away, didn't it? Of course, we beat Alvin and got our dragons back. But there are still a few things that bother me about this incident. For once I don't believe for one moment, that this was the last we heard of Alvin. I have a feeling it might just have been the beginning.

Then there were other things, smaller ones. There was a time during all this when Alvin got hold of me and was questioning me about our great dragon conqueror. I didn't know where Hiccup was at that time but I would never have given him away. I was determined to answer none of their questions. Then Alvin and his men were starting to threaten me and pulled my hair. It actually hurt but not that much. I cried out more in surprise than pain. But that was the moment Hiccup left his hiding place behind a rock and gave himself up to Alvin. I wondered all this time whether he did it to save me. But later I overheard him talking to his father. He said ' _I was thinking all I needed to do was to get to Toothless._ ' So much for saving me…

And it worked, right? Alvin took him to the island where our dragons were. We followed them and together with our dragons we were able to defeat Alvin and his men. During the fight, a rock almost hit Stormfly and me and I fell onboard of Alvin's ship, hard. But no one seemed to care that I fell. They all just fired further at the enemy's ship. I mean, Hiccup did pick me up but only after his father was already onboard to fight Alvin. Oh, and earlier when we just arrived on our dragons to help Hiccup, when I still felt giddy for him saving me, I asked him whether he missed me. It was intended as a joke but he didn't even react and only looked away impassively.

I. Am. Stupid. I really should remember that…

When we flew home and the high of the battle wore down I started to feel the pain. My fall off Stormfly was probably worse than I thought. Gothi declared later I had two cracked ribs and wasn't allowed out of bed at all for some days. My Mom doesn't leave me out of her sight these days. As if I would ignore a Healer's advice so carelessly. … Okay, maybe my mother does know me a little…

Since I am trapped inside Hiccup spends a few hours every day here to keep me company. My Mom always gets slightly shiny eyes and _then_ suddenly can leave the house under the pretext that she had things to do.

As if she would bother Hiccup…

The first time his visit inspired another spark of hope in me and I was quite grateful for my Mom to leave. But as always this hope got crushed after 2 or 3 days. He's doing it out of guilt I'm sure. Because I got hurt while coming to his aid. Nice to see other people can be stupid, too.

* * *

_I lie on my bed and watch Hiccup draw something into his notebook. He has done so often these past few days. Since I am practically chained to my bed by the pain he tries to distract me by telling me what happened in the village. Sometimes, like now, he sketches a scene or a sight for me._

_I like to watch him do so. He looks so serene and happy while sketching. Like he's in another world._

_'_ _And then there's this waterfall! It is so high up the water never reaches the ground but turns into mist instead. We have to fly there together someday. It's amazing!' he says and comes over to show me the picture of the newly found island. It really looks beautiful._

_'_ _How's Stormfly doing?' I ask, slightly to distract myself from the fly-there-together-part. Hiccup tends to her until I can do it myself again. She was with the others on the new island._

_'_ _Oh, she's okay…' Hiccup rubs his arm where I can see a white bandage peeking out from under his shirt. 'She's missing you! Gets more erratic every day.' He chuckles. 'I have to bribe her with chicken, thank for that hint!' I smile slightly. That's my girl, gaining as much as possible from a bad situation. But then…_

_'_ _She hurt you.' I state sadly. 'I'm sorry!' Hiccup waves his hand. 'Ah, don't be! That's nothing, just a scratch.' Yeah, a scratch with a bandage…_

_'_ _Astrid?' I turn my head slightly towards him. Every movement hurts. 'I… have to leave you now.' He says reluctantly. 'Feed our monsters, the forge…you know.' So soon? Right, the sun's already setting. I sigh._

_'_ _Thank you for coming, Hiccup.' I smile up at him as he steps closer to my bed so I can see him more easily._

_'_ _Anytime.' He promises. 'I'll be back tomorrow. Or maybe Gothi will let you get up again.' He smiles hopefully. Yeah, so you don't have to come and entertain me anymore, I think. Hiccup waves and turns toward the door. I don't want him to come here out of a stupid whim of guilt. I have to tell him that I would do it again whenever needed. For him._

_'_ _Hiccup?' I hear myself say. He turns and looks at me with a strange expression I can't name.  
_

_'Yeah?' He asks._

_I swallow. What was it I wanted to tell him? 'I… I mean… You don't…' I stammer._ I care for you! _My inner voice shouts at me._ Tell him! I! Care! For! You! _'_ _Hiccup, I…' I break off again. Dammit, what's up with my mouth?_

_Hiccup comes back and seats himself at the edge of my bed frame. He places his hand on my arm and smiles at me. 'I know,' he says._

_What? He knows? How? Why? WHAT?_

_'_ _But you don't have to be tough, Astrid. It's alright. That's what friends are for.' He's out of the room before I can think clearly again. I'm beginning to hate the word 'friend'._

**Flights and Paintings**

** Dear Diary **

Stoick got himself a dragon. A Thunderdrumm, can you believe it? He named it Thornado which really suits him.

Hiccup had a whole lot of work to do before his father agreed to a dragon. On one day finally, they were flying around the island. On the next then Hiccup was practically chained to the ground as his father _borrowed_ Toothless for his daily work. I spend said day with him, trying to cheer him up or at least distract him.

Hiccup told me then that he thought it funny how similar his father and I were. _Excuse me?_ For what finally changed his father's mind was a calm flight over the village of Berk, through the clouds and into the sunset. He couldn't stop talking about it and even thought about a notice in the Book of Dragons according to this simple way of convincing people.

Haha. Funny indeed. Funny, my axe!

I didn't say anything. I just tried not to show how much it hurt until we parted. This first flight with Hiccup and Toothless through the clouds… For me it was magical. Unique. Unrepeatable. It was the beginning of a new life. In a way, Hiccup destroyed that today.

** Dear Diary **

I've been mad at Hiccup for this whole Flying-through-the-clouds-thing for days now. Whenever we talked there was a small mean part of me that wanted to hurt him, too. Today then Bucket presented the traditional painting of the chief and his heir to the tribe. It looked hideous, like Snotlout with a dump version of Hiccup's face. When Tuff then made fun of it and asked about what had happened to Hiccup I joined the mockery and replied ' _Who cares?_ ' loud enough for Hiccup to hear.

I was acting petty and I felt guilty right away. But later when Hiccup and I were walking through the village I did it again. I told him that surely his father accepted him. He just accepted the painting more. That must have hurt and I regretted saying this immediately. Luckily I was spared an apology for our dear fellow dragon riders were being stupid again.

They had found a treasure map of some sort and to my surprise Hiccup joined in to go on a treasure hunt to impress Stoick. I then had a realization. As much as it might have hurt Hiccup to never be a part of our little group during the past years it probably was nothing against not being accepted by his own father.

How could I resent Hiccup for trying to explain himself to his father? How could I resent him for being happy his father finally understood him? I really must be a bad person.

I then tried to make it up to him by joining their stupid treasure hunt. During it, Hiccup got buried in a cave and I thought I had lost him for sure this time. But thank Odin he wasn't harmed at all. This should be a lesson for me! What was Stoick's favourite sentence again? _We're Vikings! It's an occupational hazard._ Yeah, I should get used to actual danger. This taught me that even a rather safe thing like this treasure hunt could end deadly. Our lives might be too short for petty grudges.

**Heather**

** Dear Diary **

There is a new girl on Berk. Her name is Heather and she got shipwrecked at Berk's shore. She's slight but pretty, I guess. Our boys all fell for her in two seconds. Snotlout, Tuffnut, and Fishlegs acted really embarrassing but Hiccup was also suspiciously nice to her. Well, he's always nice but to me, it seemed like... more. Heather stays in the chief's house, as it is custom. That means, right now she's probably lying in Hiccups bed.

I don't like her. Somehow I don't buy her story of pirates attacking her village and all. She's acting strangely somehow, a little too friendly, too weak… I think I saw her earlier this night sneaking around the village. I wonder what she's planning.

** Dear Diary **

Hiccup is such an idiot! He'll regret this day ever happened. Oh yes, he will!

For once he stood me up. We had an appointment to train our dragons speed together but he never showed up. Instead, I saw him fly with Heather showing her the island. I couldn't control my anger and my otherwise perfectly calm front cracked. The others mocked me in the arena for it. I won't forgive her for this! Or him! Later she was flirting her guts out to get the boys talking. She asked about the dragons, what's to heed and how to treat them.

I tried to talk to Hiccup about her more than once toady. She's leading them on; he shouldn't trust her! I caught her at Stormfly's stable; she was trying to befriend her by feeding her chicken can you believe it? She must have listened in on me last night. She secretly read the Book of Dragons! I even saw her talking to Savage on the shore. She's defiantly working with the Outcast but Hiccup doesn't believe me. He told me to lighten up and send me away.

Oh, he'll regret this I swear he will. They all will when she gives us away.

** Dear Diary **

I! Told! You! So!

Dammit!

She stole Stormfly. And she stole the Book of Dragons! Luckily we were able to capture her before she reached Outcast Island and Stormfly is safe again. But Alvin has the Book of Dragons.

Hiccup said nothing until we reached Berk and immediately fled into his room after we landed, leaving it to us to lock Heather up. He didn't apologize and didn't admit his mistake. That's just fine with me. Let him feel the entire guilt he deserves!

** Dear Diary **

It's unnerving. Heather attempts to flee almost every day. How does she think she's going to flee from an island that's guarded by dragons? But every day again we, or mostly I, have to capture her again. Hiccup and the others are probably too ashamed to show their faces and Ruffnut can hardly fly Barf and Belch on her own. Especially Hiccup is hardly seen anywhere. He spends his whole time in the forge working on something secret. I can't imagine what in Odin's name could be so important.

* * *

_I scratch Stormfly's neck and she croaks in delight._

_'_ _That's my girl!' I say, more to myself than to her. My only friend left. Hiccup hasn't talked to me since we lost the book and surely I won't make the first move. It was his mistake, his alone! I lean down to pick up some leftovers of Stormfly's meal when I hear someone approach, the rustling of cloth and a slight banging of metal against metal. Heather again? I won't simply lock her up again this time. This time I'll hurt her! I reach for my axe that's leaning against the wall. I wait until the sounds are near enough then swirl around, axe ready to strike – and stop._

_I see a pair of green eyes - red-rimmed and swollen, tired and frightened – under an untidy patch of auburn hair. Hiccup! I stare at him, unsure of what to do._

_'_ _Uhm…' he says shakily 'Would you be… so kind as… to put that down? Maybe?' I stare at him, uncomprehending. His pupils go down towards my axe. My axe that's resting on his neck, a tiny red runlet trickling down its side. My fingers go numb and the axe falls off my hands._ I almost killed him! _I realize, shocked._

_'_ _Oh, Thor!' He sighs and steadies himself against the stable wall. 'I almost thought you meant it. You… would have any right to…' He swallowed._

_I recover slightly from the shock and start to leave the stable. I don't know what to say and I don't want to make this easier for him._

_'_ _Astrid! Please wait. Let me at least talk to you!' He calls after me. I stop and wait, not turning. I hear him take a deep breath. 'I'm sorry, Astrid. I really am! I should have listened to you. You were right about Heather and everything she did. I was an idiot. I thought that… that you were jealous somehow which was really stupid since you are beautiful and perfect and she could never even reach you so why would you be jealous of her. And...' He babbles on and I sigh, shifting my weight from one leg to the other._

_Hiccup stops talking nonsense and takes another deep breath. 'I want to apologize, Astrid. Please take this as a peace offering.' I still don't turn and after a while, I hear him place something on the floor. 'I'm so sorry…' he whispers and hurries past me out of the stable. I catch a glimpse of red at his neck and feel a spark of guilt rise inside me._

_I turn to take a look at his_ peace offering _. It's a large piece made of leather, as long as my arm and as wide as my hand, fingers outstretched. It has straps and laces made of leather attached to it and some metal clasps, too. All is polished until it shines and on the top, an intricate pattern is engraved into the leather. It reminds me somehow of wind and clouds, the sun and the ocean. I stare at the piece, bewildered._

_'_ _A saddle!' I blurt out, to no one in particular. Hiccup made me a saddle. Ever since Gobber tried to make some for us I longed for one. I pick it up and place it on Stormfly's back. She's not used to it and fidgets until I take it off again but I saw enough. It fits perfectly. 'You'll get used to it!' I promise her laughing and scratch her again. She hums and I leave her, taking the saddle inside with me. So that's what Hiccup was working on all this time. It is a beautiful piece of craftsmanship and he made it for me. I smile a little when I reach the door but before I can open it I realize something and I almost drop the saddle._

_Did Hiccup just call me beautiful?_

** Dear Diary **

This Saddle is amazing! I'm pretty sure Hiccup had no chance to measure Stormfly these past days and still it fits perfectly. He really is good with these things. I was a little disappointed when I saw he made some for the others, too, but theirs are much more functional and simple. They are still in perfect quality of course but without polish or engravings, no piece of art like mine.

Hiccup told us he made them so we all would be safer and could fly faster without worries. He avoided looking at me and ignored the snide remarks from the others about my special saddle. His logic is obvious and I won't contradict him but I know better. I know _him_ better, good enough to have a fairly good idea of his past days. These saddles are him making amends.

Hiccup's not stupid. He knows it was his mistake. And he's a good person. His sense of guilt certainly made him torture himself far more efficiently than anyone else could have, I included. He probably worked day and night, bleary-eyed and with pained muscles. He wouldn't sleep unless he broke down over his desk and wouldn't eat unless Gobber forced him to. I've seen him do so before and it was horrible to watch. To think this time the reason was attached to me…

I forgive Hiccup. Maybe I did it long before when we returned to Berk and he wouldn't even talk. But I was still angry and now I am no longer. His debt is paid and we can move on. But I won't forget this incident and neither will he, I sure. Next time he'll heed my warning.

** Dear Diary **

We're ready to get the book back. We've practised new fighting skills with our dragons and I have a plan that'll surely work. I'll dress up as Heather and go to Outcast Island in her stead. I'll get the Book and flee. It's really simple. I've talked with Hiccup about it already and he didn't like it. But in the end, he saw the necessity, too. It is our only chance to get the Book of Dragons back.

It was… pleasant somehow to see him so worried for me. It gives me a warm feeling. He even helped me to prepare and plans to fly to Outcast Island, too, to make sure I get out of there. Maybe…

Oh, stop it, Astrid! Don't start being stupid again.

** Dear Diary **

You won't believe me but I made a new friend. I recognized myself in her. She's tough as nails and would do anything to protect those dear to her. I was sorry to see her sail away earlier today. I would have liked it to have her around some more. She surely would be better company than Ruff and the others.

And she refrained from hugging Hiccup Good-Bye, which she did for my sake, I think. After such a short time she understands me better than any of the others do. I surely hope we'll see Heather again!

**Thawfest**

** Dear Diary **

Thawfest has arrived. Yay… Oh, how I hate these days of the year. And my days of this month, too. That's really perfect timing. I'd like to beat Snotlout only _once_ but I won't be able, I fear. I'll try anyway, for my sake and Hiccup's as well. I'd really like to see this moron lose only once, to see the smugness getting wiped away of his stupid face.

** Dear Diary **

This first day was horrible! Snotlout won every match again and I felt so awkward I wasn't even close to beating him. Well, Fishlegs to blame, too. He threw me off that log and later threw his axe in my way.

At least Hiccup wasn't last every time again. Surely that should cheer him up. It actually did me. And tomorrow there will be the new disciplines. Dragon Rider disciplines! Snotlout has no chance there!

** Dear Diary **

Hiccup won every match of the Dragon Rider disciplines. He's level with Snotlout now and tomorrow there will be an additional match to determine the winner. However, this day doesn't feel like a good one.

For once I hit my head pretty hard on that log when Stormfly flew a little too high. I feel dizzy and shaky and nauseous ever since and I messed up the Balance Dance as well. Gothi said something about concussion and rest but I didn't really listen.

In addition, Hiccup behaved horribly. He was gloating and laughing about Snotlout and didn't act like Hiccup at all. I did not like him very much today.

And my head hurts…

** Dear Diary **

Have I ever mentioned before me being stupid? Ah, right… But for once I have a perfectly plausible explanation. My head's a mess! That hit yesterday might have been harder than I thought…

You know, Hiccup lost the match today. But he lost it on purpose. It was kinda sweet of him, to lose so Snotlout could be the winner… Since Hiccup's our Great Dragon Conqueror there's not much left for Snotlout anyway. Really sweet…. Mmm…

Oh, I kissed him by the way! Erm… Hiccup I mean, not Snotlout. Surely not Snotlout… I like kissing Hiccup… I love Hiccup, you know? Mhm… I think he liked it, too. He looked sweet somehow afterward. So sweet…

Maybe I'll try it once more tomorrow!

** Dear Diary **

Oh, great Odin! Please make the ground open for me and swallow me up. I want to curl up and die…

**Trust and Family**

** Dear Diary **

Mildew tried something new the other day. This time he almost succeeded in getting Toothless banished from Berk. And since Hiccup would never leave Toothless… I couldn't bear the thought of him leaving Berk forever. I helped him and we tried everything to solve this and in the end, Hiccup got hurt again. Because I flew him up on that stupid ship's mast. Sure, everyone believes now, that these strange lightning strikes weren't Toothless' fault but it can't go on like this. That Hiccup always has to almost die before someone would believe him… I wish I could simply use Stormfly or my axe on everyone who tries to hurt him.

For example on Mildew.

Or that Whispering Death the other day.

Or on Snotlout.

Or on Dagur the Deranged.

Or on Snotlout…

** Dear Diary **

Trader Johann found something very important. It was in a chest and unfortunately said chest got lost. It was something from Hiccup's mother and understandably he would move heaven and earth to get it back.

The thing is he wanted to do this on his own. Why can't he just trust us? Or me, at least. I thought we were at least friends, as much as I dislike that term… In the end, we found his chest together. I hope I convinced him to confide in me the next time he does something stupid.

** Dear Diary **

Bork Week is coming and I can see Hiccup's mood darken every day. The chief asked him to organize a flight show with every dragon species showing their respective stunts. And while every one of us is trying to train a bunch of wilder dragons Hiccup has nothing to do. It reminds him of Toothless being all alone and Hiccup is hurt on his friend's behalf.

I wish he would listen to me. Or look at Toothless for that matter. That dragon is anything but sad or lonely.

** Dear Diary **

He actually did ask us to come this time. I can't believe it! He found hints for another island full of Night Furys and had to look for further clues in a cave. And he asked us to help looking for it. So maybe I don't have to worry so much about him in the future. That would be a nice change!

Okay, I couldn't do anything when there was this cave-in while he was still inside said cave. But at least I was there. I don't know if it makes any sense… I simply feel better when he lets me face danger with him instead of making me rush after him when he runs off on his own again.

So, tomorrow in the morning we'll all fly to the Island of Night. I'm so excited!

* * *

_I sit on Stormfly's back and I'm waiting. Ever since I woke this morning I have a bad feeling. Something's wrong and as time marches on without Hiccup to show up I get a hunch of what it might be._

_'_ _He wouldn't, would he?' I ask, more to myself, and fly over to the Haddock house. When I enter the house I find Stoick sitting in the main room._

_'_ _I'm sorry to bother you, sir.' I say, anxiously looking around for Hiccup._

_'_ _Oh, it's no problem, Astrid.' Stoick replies. 'Just doing my morning woodwork. It's quite relaxing.'_

_'_ _Ahm, sir, have you seen Hiccup?' I ask hopefully. Stoick really seems quite relaxed, the carving in his big hand. But then, he wouldn't know if Hiccup did something stupid again. Hiccup's quite skilled in hiding thing from his father…_

_'_ _When I woke up he was already gone.' Stoick is more alert now. 'Should I tell him you're looking for him?' Hiccup won't come back for his father to tell him that. This bad feeling is getting stronger. Something happened, I'm sure of it!_

_'_ _How about I just leave him a note? In his room.' I suggest. This way I might find some clues as to where he went._

_'_ _Ah, well, be my guest' Stoick gets back to his woodwork. I wish I could be as credulous as he is._

When I enter Hiccup's room a lump rises in my throat. His bed is made and the candle by his desk burned down to a stump. He would have replaced it immediately unless he was in a hurry. I get a feeling he didn't sleep at all last night. What was he working on? I take a closer look at all the papers on his desk. So many notes and sketches… Fishlegs would recognize immediately which ones are of any interest now. I am not so good with all this paper stuff but I have to _find something! I shuffle through the sheets, hopelessly. Part of my brain scolds me making such a mess but I ignore it._ If _Hiccup should return I can apologize then._

_There! I find his notebook, hidden under the sheets but still opened. The pages show the map to the Island of Night. Thanks to Odin, he didn't just rip it out! When I take a closer look at it I notice some words, scrawled at the paper's edge._

_'_ _There is a reason that there are only Night Furys on that island. These dragons are extremely aggressive towards any other dragon species._

_'_ _Dammit!' I curse. Knowing Hiccup he would never risk the safety of others willingly. His own however never seems to concern him. I have to fly after him, as soon as possible. I might need Fishlegs' help though to decipher the clues and hint on the map. He knows what Hiccup would have meant._

_I curse inwardly. I don't have time to try and get Fishlegs alone. They're all waiting in the arena anyway, ready to get started. I grab the notebook and leave the house waving a hurried Good-Bye to Stoick._

_Fishlegs is already waiting outside. I consider again leaving the others behind but dismiss the thought immediately. It wouldn't be fair._

_'_ _Hiccup must have copied the map from his notebook.' I call toward Fishlegs. 'Fortunately…' I smile and hold up the book._

** Dear Diary **

This day was wonderful! These past days were a mess and I'd rather forget them but today was perfect. We decided at short notice to change our Bork Week Flight Show a little and it made such a difference!

As you well know Bork Week is about family. However family is not only blood but also our brothers and sisters at heart; those we care about. Our friends and comrades. When I look at Hiccup today I see his dark mood gone, replaced by joy and happiness. We all together are kind of a family, riders and dragons, all alike. We have lived through a lot during these past months and it made us stronger.

Together we will defend our own!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the rather poor end of this chapter. The last Episodes of 'Riders of Berk' – 'We are family' – don't give me much 'Hiccstrid' to work with. I hope you liked it anyway and thanks a lot for reading. Chapter 3 will come as soon as possible.


	3. Defenders of Berk (and DOTDR)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to apologize, for this chapter is a little boring… Fortunately, it is also rather short since there is practically no Hiccstrid at all in DoB… I gathered a few scraps for a little summary and will return with the first RTTE-Chapter asap…

**Defence**

Dear Diary

Life on Berk is quite busy these days. Just as I predicted we saw way too much of Alvin and his Outcast in the past. We strengthen our defences and Gobber has got his hands full of making more weapons. Every Viking on Berk is on edge; laughter rarely to be heard. I can feel it in myself, too. I just have to see Snotlout from afar and want to rip his head off not to mention the twins.

Hiccup is also busy helping wherever he can, just like the rest of us. His first-hand experiences of the Outcast's dungeon make him do strange things, though. He lets us practice to withstand interrogation, can you believe that? It sounded weird to me but I do see the reason behind this. And it frightens me. Hiccup knows as well as I do that none of us would willingly reveal anything to the Outcast. What happened in that dungeon must have been devastating for him.

I tried to talk to him about it but he wouldn't say much. Just that seeing Toothless like that would have made him do almost everything. A shiver runs down my spine whenever I remember the hollow and haunted look in his eyes. Whatever he lived trough in those days I surely hope it won't happen again, to any of us.

We have to fend Alvin off. We just have to!

Dear Diary

This is getting worse every day! Stoick grounded our dragons. We're not allowed to fly _at all_! And Hiccup didn't do anything! Who is the head of the dragon academy, he or his father?

Okay, that was unfair… I know we all have to follow our chief's commands. It's just so… so wrong! The dragons are our best defence and weapons as well. I think Hiccup knows that, too. I could see he's not happy with this ban either when we walked home from the arena earlier today.

Ah well, we have to wait until Stoick realizes this too, I guess. I'll tell you immediately. For now, I have to feed Stormfly and calm her a bit.

Dear Diary

Ha! I should have seen this coming. I mean, Hiccup _does_ have quite a history of going behind his father's back. Of course, he wouldn't abide by his father's ban.

But he should know by now that there is no sense in trying to do things like that on his own. I know he does it so the rest of us won't be in trouble, but really… Fortunately, I was able to talk him into pulling this through as a team.

We spend the whole night together planning how to pull this up. Hiccup came up with the name. Dragon Flight Club. I'm not so sure about this dramatic flair but on the other hand… The others will probably like the plan simply because of it.

It's mainly our normal dragon training. We're just doing it during night time so no one will notice. Okay, and it is going to be much more aggressive and directed. We know what kinds of dragon Alvin has in his dungeons. Now we have to learn how to defend against them. And it needs to stay secret especially from Stoick.

I'll catch some sleep now. Tomorrow… or rather in a few hours… we'll tell the others.

Dear Diary

Well, this turned out better than I thought it would… Of course, we got caught flying but then Snotlout also noticed Alvin's ships and we were able to fend them off. In the end, Stoick lifted the ban on flying. At least that's off our list of problems.

**Stormy Thoughts**

Dear Diary

I'd say I'm sorry it took me so long to write to you but honestly nothing important happened. Right now a storm is blowing outside and I have nothing to do. So I thought I fill you in on past events.

So, where to start? Ahm… Fishlegs, or rather Meatlug, found a new metal! Or a new mix of metals… However Gobber was really excited and I have to admit this Gronckle Iron really is awesome! Light and strong, it is perfect for weapons of all kind. Sadly Fishlegs doesn't remember what Meatlug ate so we only got so much of it. It was enough for Hiccup's new shield however which was probably the best use for it.

This shield really is amazing. It can transform somehow into a crossbow, shots bolas and also has a tiny build-in catapult. I actually don't understand how this all works… But it _is_ impressive and perfect for Hiccup. He's still no warrior but with this shield, he actually has a chance in a fight.

It just proved its usefulness against Dagur. Yes, we met him again… And he found out about our dragons… And he's our enemy now, too… As if we hadn't enough problems already.

So, that's what happened in the last weeks. We're still training varied skills, whatever might be useful. We're out on differing missions every day. Normal life.

And no, there hasn't been any development in my relationship with Hiccup. We're still good friends and I'm still not happy about it. I probably should move on. But how? Things have changed so much in this one and a half year. Even if I wanted to I cannot leave Berk anymore. No other tribe would welcome me with Stormfly coming along and I won't leave her! I have to stay here. I don't want to leave anyway.

No, I'm stuck in this mess… Maybe I could forget my feelings for Hiccup… But not as long as I have to deal with him every day! There are times I think I might be over him and then he does something awesome or brilliant or even just says something kind and all these feelings boil up again. However, I'd like to think I'm quite good at keeping them hidden inside by now, especially during these times, where we are on some duty almost all the time.

And then there are times… When the two of us are on three-days-scouting mission together, I can pretend there's more. When no one else is around I feel much lighter, much less on guard, much less defensive. With Hiccup I can be more myself which seems to be much less warrior than I would like to be. It feels right, however! And he opens up, too. With only the two of us around, we can joke and laugh and talk. It feels good. But when night comes and we sleep near the campfire it's still not enough.

In addition these scouting missions or any missions we do together become rare lately. Stoick's logic is undeniable but I really don't like it nonetheless. The truth is when Hiccup and I go on missions together we have twice as much work to do for Fishlegs is in no way capable to give commands to Snotlout or the twins and they wouldn't do anything without being ordered to. This means we have to split up more often than not.

I'll have to try to steel myself against these feelings or else they'll eat me up from inside. I can already feel them nagging and tearing at me.

**The Glowing, the Roaring and the Flashing**

Dear Diary

It is the time! Aurvandil's Fire will come in a few days and so will the Flightmare. I've trained for this all my life! Now is my chance to avenge Uncle Finn and restore honour to House Hofferson.

I already know everyone is going to take a stab at talking me out of hunting the Flightmare. Let them try! I won't back down. I know, times have changed and we don't kill dragons anymore but this is different! This is the _Flightmare_! It's not like he's defending himself like all the other dragons did with the Red Death and all. No, he attacks our village every ten years without a reason. What other defence is there but to kill him? Hiccup may not like it, but really…

He's not the one who had to grow up with a dishonoured family name. He doesn't understand what that did to me. I simply have to set this aright!

Dear Diary

He did it again… I was so focused on my task. I was ready to make him hate me. I was even ready to hate him for trying to prevent me. I laid out all these reasons to myself why we're just too different, why this would never work out.

Then Hiccup stumbled into my plan, made a mess out of it and every problem dissolved like mist in the sun.

Instead of holding me back, he helped me looking for the Flightmare.

He saved my life when I wasn't able to defeat the dragon.

He found a way to lure the beast away so it'll probably never bother Berk again.

He restored my Uncles name and reclaimed honour for House Hofferson.

I don't know how I could ever make this up to him! He probably doesn't even know what it means to me. I'm just so glad I didn't tell him any of my former thoughts. I was so ignorant. Hiccup might not have had the burden of a dishonoured family name but then he himself was seen as a disgrace for House Haddock for a long time.

Ah, this is just what I meant. How could I not love him for what he did today? I have to do something. I guess I probably could simply go over and declare my love to him… But I cannot! Even thinking about it now… No, I don't think I could handle a rejection right now… If there were any signs… I'll try to lure a reaction out of him somehow! Maybe that'll tell me what to do…

Dear Diary

We had another encounter with the Screaming Death today. I haven't told you about that one before because I hoped we had chased him away for good. But Hiccup was right, again.

The day had started quite good. Hiccup and I were on a mission together and we really had a lot of fun. Even when we checked on the twins and caught them red-handed… or rather purple-faced…it couldn't darken our mood. I even joked about kissing Snotlout of all people which honestly is a disgusting thought.

In the end the Screaming Death got chased away by the wild dragons of Dragon Island but I fear Hiccup is right. This wasn't the last we saw of that dragon.

Ah, and I still don't know what to do! We had so much fun and… and later he mocked me about my Snotlout-comment… This is all so confusing…

Dear Diary

This was a very long day… We found a Skrill frozen solid inside a floating iceberg and our idiots I, II and III managed to free him. The Skrill is the symbol of the Berserker tribe so Dagur wants it pretty badly. We tried to keep the dragon and Dagur apart but somehow everything went wrong. The Skrill is still missing and so are Ruffnut and Tuffnut.

We searched all day for them but without success. Now it's dark outside and Stormfly and I have no chance in finding them. Hiccup sent us home to sleep and gather strength for tomorrow. He was right to do so I suppose… Stormfly fell asleep as soon as we reached her stable and I'm weary, too. But I can't sleep. Not while the twins are still missing and surely not while Hiccup is still out there searching. I wanted to accompany him. To fly with him on Toothless so I could help in case he encountered any Berserkers. But Toothless is tired, too. Carrying me in addition wouldn't help.

No, there's nothing I can do right now… I'll try to catch some sleep and maybe they'll all be back and save in the morning.

Dear Diary

Hiccup hasn't come back. It's already noon and he hasn't come back! Even Toothless can't fly all night, right? So he must have landed somewhere to rest, right? Surely he'll be back any minute now. He has to be!

Stoick won't let us fly and search for him. He said he needs us on Berk as defence should Alvin or Dagur chose this confusion to attack. And he's right... Of course, he is… where should we begin to look for them anyways…?

But sitting here waiting is driving me crazy. My Mom wanted me to help her with some work but I can't concentrate. I'll take Stormfly and keep watch at the cliff.

Dear Diary

He's back! Thank Odin, he back. And the Twins are, too. Apparently I worried for nothing. I hate being left behind!

**Hints and Clues**

Dear Diary

I tried to figure out how to proceed with Hiccup… But I'm no smarter than before. I keep thinking that if he cared for me he wouldn't leave me behind all the time or send me off with Snotlout of all people. That's really frustrating!

Just the other day he grouped us together for a Screaming-Death-Patrol _again_. It was horrible. Snotlout's flirting grew unbearable. I actually felt sick because of it. And then Hiccup and the others weren't even at the appointed meeting place. Admittedly they had a bigger problem than an overconfident Snotlout but only slightly. In the end I kept Snotlout from flirting by… flirting back. Highly exaggerated and disgusting to me but it worked. Later Hiccup actually apologized for sticking me with Snotlout. That put me in a good mood and when I then demonstrated my success he said I'd gross him out. What in Odin's name am I to make of this? I'm grossing him out? Or Flirting with Snotlout grosses him out? Or me flirting grosses him out? I'm so confused…

Dear Diary

And he did it again. He left me behind! I really hate when he's doing this! Yes, it's already dark and Stormfly and I wouldn't be much help in finding Trader Johann. But he could have taken me with him as a back-up at least. He didn't need to leave me with the others. And he certainly didn't need to lock us up! It took me hours to escape these madmen.

He's still out there searching. I hope he gets frostbitten while I'm in my cosy warm bed.

Dammit!

Dear Diary

This is getting ridiculous. I feel like there's a hurricane inside my heart making a mess of _everything_ … One day I hate him; the next day I'm sick with worry. One day he treats me like rotten vegetables and seems to care for me on the next.

Just like this incident with the Speed Stingers. You probably noticed how angry I was that night but when the Speed Stingers attacked and Hiccup didn't show up the next morning I was worried sick. I was doubly relieved to see him back and safe when he later showed up in the cove. I even hugged him and he seemed to be glad to see me as well. But then he might have been just happy to see anyone still moving.

Argh, this is driving me crazy!

And it was the same with the Eel-Pox Epidemic. He simply flew off again on his own and I was angry and worried sick and relieved and happy… Okay, maybe I was sick by Eel-Pox. And I was not just relieved and happy… Actually I don't remember everything that happened… The fever got to me eventually and I wasn't thinking straight… I… keep remembering hugging Hiccup… and trying to dance with him… Oh, please let this have been a dream only!

But he has been much kinder to me since that day… He even wanted to investigate with me specifically when all the metal was stolen by the Smothering Smokebreath… I really don't know what to make of it all…

Dear Diary

Today Hiccup suspended Snotlout from the academy… I'm not exactly sure what nudged him to do so. Or rather which part of what happened did so. Snotlout disobeyed orders again and… well actually he almost got me killed by doing so. Thanks to Hiccup nothing serious happened, but… You know me. I was furious and really wanted to beat Snotlout up but Hiccup wouldn't let me. Instead, he grounded Snotlout and Hookfang but they flew off anyway. No surprise there…

As I said I was really angry. But now I'm more worried about Hiccup. He's simply not the type for long grudges. I fear he'll agonize over this and I wouldn't want that. Not, if he suspended Snotlout because of me. I already told him he didn't have to do this for me. From what he replied it was apparently more because of trustworthiness and reliability but I still wonder… It was not the first time Snotlout disobeyed a direct order and probably not the last time either. This time though… I've never seen Hiccup so furious before.

Later he acknowledged that the suspension was only temporary until he talked to Snotlout. Now, there's going to be some energy wasted … I can't believe I'm saying this… or rather write this… but I agree with the Twins. There has to be a punishment for Snotlout's behaviour especially after he simply flew off after Hiccup grounded him. Hiccup _is_ the leader of our gang of Dragon Riders. Snotlout has to remember that. Only kicking him out of the academy won't do much good there… Neither will a simple talk.

Dear Diary

This is a mess! Alvin returned and so did the Screaming Death. Dagur captured Stoick and until we can free him Hiccup is chief of the tribe. I do my best to support him but there's not much I _can_ do. Nor can Hiccup for that matter.

Right now we simply have to wait for Dagur to make his move. We already know he wants Toothless and that he'll try to lure Hiccup into a trap. We just have to outthink him. That shouldn't be too hard… But it's still waiting… and waiting… and waiting…

Dear Diary

Sometimes I wonder how Hiccup does it. Every problem is solved. Dagur is imprisoned on Outcast Island. Alvin is our ally now and promised to aid Stoick. The Screaming Death found his mommy which was apparently the reason why he destroyed all these islands, can you believe it?

Well, there is _one_ problem left to solve… But I probably have to do that one myself…

**Team Hiccstrid**

Dear Diary

This is going to be my last entry for there's only one page left. I already asked Trader Johann to look for another empty book. Hopefully, he'll find one soon.

Life on Berk is peaceful now that Dagur is imprisoned and Alvin no longer our enemy. The Screaming Death seems to be appeased, too. After one and a half year of chaos and constant changes we now have time to adjust to this new life with the dragons. They really became part of our daily life but we still have to learn a lot. The latest invention, however, is a new kind of entertainment.

It originated from an emergency where the sheep of Suddenly-Not-So-Silent Sven ran off and we helped to recapture them. The Twins consequentially developed a game and called it Dragon Racing. Tomorrow will be the first official attempt and I'm a little excited.

We agreed to have teams. Snotlout and the Twins formed one and they call themselves _Team Snotnuts_. That name is hilarious! It suites them, really! Fishlegs refused to join the game which leaves Hiccup and me for the other team. The Twins thought of a team name for us, too. They're probably too cowardly to say it aloud but I overheard them talking.

They call us _Team Hiccstrid_. Haha, that sounds really… Okay, honestly it doesn't sound so bad… Actually, I like it… Sort of…

Okay, tomorrow will be the great day. Team Hiccstrid will crush them!


	4. Race to the Edge 1 (Part I)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! We've reached RTTE. From now on things will get way more exciting, I promise ;)
> 
> I decided to split this chapter into two. It's getting longer and longer… From this chapter on the Diary-parts won't be so dominant anymore. Many scenes will be live from Astrid's POV.

**Agonizing years**

** Dear Diary **

Three years! It took Trader Johann _three entire years_ to find another book for me. That really says a lot about us Vikings… Sword, axes or maces? No Problem! Food? Always ready! Books?...Erm, what?

I really missed writing to you… Of course, I could have used loose sheets of paper and actually I tried it a few times. But it simply wasn't the same. I'm really glad I have you here now.

These three years… You can ask everyone these three years have been the most peaceful ones Berk has ever seen. Everyone is lighthearted and happy. There are more buildings now, too, bigger and more luxurious ones. Since we don't have to fight anymore at all many younger couples have settled down and there are three times more children on Berk then usual. Even distant 'cousins' no one remembers came to Berk to settle here. It truly is peaceful… I'm probably the only one who loathes these years…

Since there is peace there are also expectations. My parents both hinted more than once at me becoming of marriageable age and every now and then I catch a comment or remark from others as well. From the looks they share they all seem to assume Hiccup and I will announce our betrothal any moment. If only…

I can see where these ideas come from though. Snotlout works as 'Weapons Tester' these days. Gobber came up with the idea. It is fun to watch him get thrown around by a catapult. Fishlegs became something of a teacher for the history of dragons. He seems quite settled in this calling. The Twins never did what they were told so it's no surprise they don't participate in the old Dragon Academy Duties any longer.

That leaves Hiccup and me to be the only active Dragon Riders left. Oh, the others still have their dragons. They just don't use them any longer in the same way. Hiccup and I are the only ones to spend our days on our dragon's backs. We patrol the sea near Berk, keep watch and occasionally take longer attempts to find new islands or dragons. You see, we spend a lot of time together and I understand how many of the others assume we're a couple. But the hard truth is, we're not.

You may wonder why that is… and I can't give you an answer to that. I still wish it would be like that with us. Not much has changed however since the events with Alvin, Dagur, and the Screaming Death. All Hiccup seems to be interested in are the dragons, to care for them, to train them, to find new ones and to learn as much about them as possible. I often meet him with Fishlegs in the Great Hall for breakfast. They would ask me if I couldn't sleep either. Hah!

I often ask myself whether I should stop this Dragon Rider Thingy as well. Why am I keeping it up? The answer is not as easy as the Question. You might think I'm doing it to be with Hiccup and that is true in a way. We are best friends after all. We practically know each other's thoughts which really comes in handy when we fend off the occasional pirates. There is no one else to whom I can talk as easily and with whom I can laugh as lightly as Hiccup. I would really miss his friendship. But there's still this tiny spark of hope, that maybe… someday… and it's killing me. Hope dies last they say and it's true. It will rather kill me before it would release me…

I could try to outrun it. Stop being a Dragon Rider. Get away from Hiccup. But I love being a Dragon Rider. Hiccup aside I wouldn't want to spend my days other then flying on Stormfly's back through the sky. There is nothing on Berk or any other island that could keep me grounded for any length of time. There is no one for me either. I don't want to even imagine this dull life, performing some dull duty waiting for my feelings to recover and start anew. If only there was any other task suited for me. I would take it gladly.

No, that's a lie. I wouldn't be glad. But I would take it nonetheless. My heart feels raw and sore. It can't take much more kindness and smiles from Hiccup. It burns… It hurts so much!

For more than four years now I'm torturing myself with my feelings for Hiccup. I want it to end…

** Dragon Eye of the Beholder **

** Dear Diary **

There it is! I can't believe it and… and actually I'm afraid of this, too, but…

Stoick offered me a position in the Berk Guard! He said since Hiccup is more and more out and about searching for new dragons he wants one Dragon Rider to be here at all times. He seems not to believe this peaceful time will continue endlessly. And he of all people knows his son and seems to see more of my pain than anyone else. This is my chance!

I keep being a Dragon Rider but will be separated from Hiccup who will be free to venture on his searches as he pleases. That's…great! He'll love this. He always wanted to fly further, behind the borders of our known world.

I would have liked to be with him on his journeys but I'm more realistic than he is. I'm not so sure there _is_ more out there. So, now I'll stay on Berk and protect our families. I just hope, he'll be alright out there on his own… Toothless will protect him of course, but… Ah, he'll have to be enough!

I'll miss Hiccup. There's no one else on Berk for me to talk to. Fishlegs became a real friend during the past years but he's too geeky for any long-term conversations. There's certainly a lonely time ahead of me but hopefully, it'll be a less painful one. I can deal with loneliness.

Tomorrow I'll catch Hiccup and tell him the news.

** Dear Diary **

I feel awful… I saw the disappointment in Hiccup's eyes. He tried to hide it but he's really no good at acting… It was heart-wrenching. He seemed to realize that there is no one but himself who believes there is anything left to be found. I should have tried to cheer him up, to encourage him. He's free to search as far away as he wants now.

Instead, I told him he should give some thought to what's next for him and Toothless. I told him, that there might not be any more to find, that we're probably done, that our search is over. Why oh why did I do that? Do I want him to be as miserable as I am? Do I want him to stay on Berk and forget his dreams? No, I really don't want that! It is part of what I love about him most! I'm doing this so he can follow his dreams, for Odin's sake!

Oh, I know what made me say these things… This stupid, cursed spark of hope… _It_ wants him stay on Berk. _It_ wants him to settle down and raise a family, with me! I hate this spark of hope! I know Hiccup. It would destroy him to do as _it_ wants. I hate _it_. And I wish this would come true…

* * *

_This can't be happening. I had one day in the Berk Guard and Hiccup already called us in for an emergency Dragon Rider meeting. We're all gathered in the old arena now in front of an over-sized map._

_'All we got from Johann before he passed out was this: Dagur escaped from Outcast Island by commandeering his ship.' Hiccup says. I don't want to keep listening. I finally broke free of my personal vicious circle of hope and pain and now Dagur returns and all Dragon Riders are needed? This. Can't. Be. Happening._

_Of course, we have to recapture Dagur. This is, after all, a matter of safety not just for Hiccup but for the entire island of Berk as well. But does it need to happen now of all times? I finally made my decision. It was not an easy one to make but I did it. Is it too much to ask for a little more time to adjust? Apparently, it is…_

_'…There is one ship you must avoid at all cost' Johann says in a grave voice. 'It's called… The Reaper! Riddled with booby traps from stem to stern. Barely made it out…' This can't be happening… This… He's not thinking he can fool any of us with this fairy tale, is he?_

_'Okay, Toothless, let's go.' Hiccup replays excited. 'Unless, of course, any of you can make time out of your busy schedules to capture a dangerous maniac?'_

_This can't be happening…_

** Dear Diary **

I just want to say goodbye to you in case we won't come back from this stupid mission to this Ship Graveyard Johann told us about. In case I won't return…

Mom, Dad, when you find this I want you to know that I always loved you. And… please take care of Stormfly should she make it back…

** Dear Diary **

Surprise, surprise, we made it all back alive. Okay, maybe I was a little exaggerating the last time. But this mission truly was the most dangerous we had for years. I actually _did_ almost die. Twice…

You know, this Ship Graveyard is inhabited by gigantic eels. They scared away our dragons and when they attacked the ship we gathered upon I fell into the ocean.

It was strange… While I fell all I could think about was Hiccup. The sadness in his eyes when I told him I'd join the Guard and all the things I should have told him instead. It must have been only one or two seconds but to me it felt like an eternity. I remembered how I'd thought Hiccup would die after the battle against the Red Death, how I regretted not telling him about my feeling while I could. These regrets resurfaced at that moment for I thought these eels would kill me. I would have tried to fight them but let's be honest I would not have had a realistic chance. I thought I gave away my chances for good this time. In the end, Hiccup and Toothless saved me by diving into the water themselves.

When I think about that now it is incredible Toothless agreed to do so. He's just as afraid of eels as our other dragons and yet he did not flee and even faced them on their territory. Hands down he really is much smarter than most other dragons and his loyalty for Hiccup goes deeper, too. But still… Did Hiccup order Toothless to dive or did Toothless do it on his own? Either way, they did it for me… I need to think about that fact. Later…

I still have to tell you what else happened. Dagur showed up, as expected. Without our dragons, we had no chance and he put us in a cage. He tried to sink the ship so Hiccup would focus on saving us instead of following him. In the end it didn't work out for Dagur but for that moment I thought we would all drown.

Facing death twice on one day… It makes me reconsider my decision. I don't want to regret anything and I fear I'll always regret not telling Hiccup. If I turn my back on him now I'll always wonder what might have been. So I'll have to tell him.

Ah, this is the spark of hope again. It found new food in today's events and is burning a hole in my heart like a bright flame. The fact that Hiccup and Toothless saved me… One way or the other, it has to mean he cares for me somehow, right? Either Hiccup exposed his best friend to his greatest fear or Toothless did it himself, surely for Hiccup's sake. Because of me…

Or they're simply very responsible and would do the same for any of their friends. I hate it! This word! And this cursed spark of hope! I can't think straight anymore.

There was one other thing however that no logic can lessen and it feeds my hope even more. When Hiccup found us all captured by Dagur he called out for me. Only for me…

** Dear Diary **

I've made my decision! I will confess my love to him. Then at least I'll finally know whether he has any feelings for me, whether there might be a future for _us_. And if not then hopefully this spark will finally die out.

I just have to find the right moment to tell him…

I tried it today. I tried to gather my courage and to get him alone, to get him to _listen_. But he's so occupied with this Dragon Eye as he calls it. I don't think he would have noticed a pink dragon dancing around him, let alone me…

I gave up eventually. This will wear off soon and when everyday life got us back I'll get my chance. Huh... saying it like this is kind of depressing because I have to admit... Having the whole gang together again on a mission to fight Dagur… it was exciting!

** Dear Diary **

Have you ever heard of a dragon called Snow Wrath? Me neither, until two days ago… Now I know far more about that beast than I ever wanted to know. I only hope I'll never have to deal with one of those again!

Gothi of all people gave Hiccup the final clue. Apparently, the tooth of this dragon is supposed to be some kind of key for the Dragon Eye. So we raced towards this island only to almost freeze to death. I mean yes we're used to cold weather but glaciers like that… Nope, I defiantly prefer a slightly warmer climate.

So we flew to that island and got almost killed _again_ while capturing one of these teeth only to find out the Dragon Eye does… nothing.

Okay, to be fair, it was exciting. Despite the cold and all we _did_ find a new dragon that's not even mentioned in the Book of Dragons. And surely this Dragon Eye keeps _something_ from us. I am curious as to what these coming days may reveal. And-

**Imperfect Harmony**

_Someone just knocked at our door. And once again, more demanding this time. Did something happen? I close my diary and hastily cram it in its hiding place behind my weapon shelf before I hurry down the stairs. Halfway down I collide with someone and we both tumble towards the ground. I'm the first on my feet again and automatically reach out for the other one when I realize its Hiccup. He grabs my hand I yank him to his food. This is a well-practised move for us and I have no time to think at all before he starts to talk._

_'Astrid, you're still awake. That's perfect! Come on, you have to see this!' He grabs my hand and pulls me past my startled and drowsy parents out of the door. It is dark outside, long past nightfall. The village is quiet since most are probably fast asleep._

_'Where are we going, Hiccup?' I ask when he keeps pulling me up the hillside. I stumble slightly and barely manage to keep up with him._

_'I have to show you something. This is – Oh, you have to see it for yourself. It's amazing!' Hiccup replies excitedly. He leads me right into the Haddock house. I can hear Stoick snoring in the other room as Hiccup pulls me up the steps and into his sleeping chamber._

_Suddenly I feel self-conscious. What exactly does he want to show me here, in his_ sleeping chamber _of all places_ _? We're alone, even Toothless is gone. The Room is almost dark, only a small light burns on his bedside table. It's empty, too, except for his desk and his bed… I feel myself blush and am grateful for the darkness. 'Hiccup… What do you want to show me?' I ask nervously. Did he notice something after all? The snoring from downstairs aside, this is kind of romantic. Just he and I, the almost dark room with the violet light…_

_Violet light? I take a closer look at the candle on his bedside table. Only it is not a candle. It is the Dragon Eye and it is glowing! I pick it up and examine it closely. The glow is fading but it is there. A pale violet shimmer coming from one of its ends. I look bewildered at Hiccup but he just says 'See?' with a wide grin on his face._

_Before I can ask any question I hear angry voices from above that turn into scared screams. I dodge the falling bodies but just barely. Snotlout, Tuff, and Ruff lay in a heap trying to untangle themselves. I hear a snickering sound from above and surely spot Toothless looking inside through the skylight._

_Suddenly I feel movement against my back. Hiccup stands just behind me, one hand on my shoulder while his other arm reaches around me. 'May I?' he asks and I can feel his breath tickling my neck. My heart misses a beat and I close my eyes while he takes the Dragon Eye out of my shaky hands. What is this? My heart is racing as if it tries to make up for the missed beat and I'm shaking all over._

_There's another scream and Fishlegs lands with a_ THUMP _on the ground. He's probably complaining but I'm not listening. I try to steady myself by leaning against the wall, arms crossed to hide them shaking. My eyes are on Hiccup while he positions the Dragon Eye on a stool and places Toothless in front of it._

_'Okay, bud. Go ahead!' he commands and a faint glow shines out of Toothless' mouth. The light goes through the Dragon Eye and projects pictures on the opposite wall._

_'Woah!' is all I manage to say._

** Dear Diary **

This is amazing! There are maps inside the Dragon Eye, can you believe it? They show ways to unknown islands beyond the boundaries of the archipelago. There's no way anyone of us would stay on Berk now with this proof in hand. Hiccup still has to talk to his father and the council but I already know that they won't be able to keep us on Berk. My travel pack is ready and we'll start any minute know. I won't bring you… I don't think I'll have a quiet minute to write and chances are too high for Snotlout or the Twins to discover you. So, I won't be able to write to you for a long time.

This changes everything! It's so exciting! New islands, new dragons, so much for us to discover! After these three boring years, a whole lot of adventures lay before us.

PS: I promise I'll stick to my former plan. I will tell Hiccup how I feel about him. But I still need the right moment. Right now there's so much to deal with... I'm used to keeping these feelings inside so I can do it a little longer.

There was this odd sensation of last night, however… Although it did not happen often this was not the first time Hiccup came that close to me. But never before has my body reacted to his so strongly. Even now I remember how strange it was. Sweet and painful at the same time…

Ah, Hiccup's leaving the great hall. I have to go now. Wish me luck!

* * *

_This is amazing! We really made it! We found this new island and it's beautiful! Cliffs and woods, a white beach and this lagoon… I sit on a rock at the water's edge, legs dangling, and still try to take it all in. I haven't felt this free in a long time. We're scattered in and around the water, everyone giddy and hyped up, dragons and riders alike. I lean back trying to take in as much sunlight as possible and inhale deeply. The air smells like brine and wind and sunshine, just like home, and still it's different. It smells like freedom._

_A shadow falls on my face and I open my eyes. At first, I can't identify what's blocking the sun but then I recognize Hiccup leaning over me._

_'You like it here?' he asks casually with his always ready smile. I sit up and blink a few times while he seats himself beside me._

_'Yeah!' I say truthfully 'You know I never thought…' I shake my head. 'I'm glad we found this place after all.' I smile at him. Our old comradeship resurfaces just as easily as it always was. And jet…_

_'Yeah, I'm glad, too.' He replies looking around. I watch him do so and realize how much he's changed. Hiccup always was formally our leader but now he really is. We all followed him into the unknown. He's confident and responsible and determined, just like a chief should be. I know he does not think so himself but I truly believe he'll be one of the greatest._

_I smile to myself. Seeing him like this now, happy and sanguine on this newfound island … Only a few days ago I accepted the fact that I wouldn't be around to witness this. So much has changed in such a short time. Now we're here together and a whole lot of new possibilities arise. I only have to choose…_

_'Is there something on my nose or why are you staring at me like that?' I blink. Hiccup is looking at me curiously. I hastily turn away already feeling the blush rising._

_'No, I… I was just... thinking…' I reply, sternly not looking at him. 'About what to do next, you know?' It's not a lie…_

_'Well, we have to rest. I guess we don't have to vote on where we're making camp.' He replies._

* * *

_In the end, we technically didn't make camp in the lagoon but on the beach instead. We're all tired from the long flight. I'm glad we didn't have to put much work into the camp. Snotlout's Monstrous Nightmare gel really is useful though I'll never tell him that. We ate our provisions and now it's finally time to sleep. I get ready to curl up beside Stormfly when I spot Hiccup sitting near the waterline. I hesitate. Maybe this is the right time for me to talk to him. The others are all fast asleep; it's as if we were alone. I gather my courage and walk over._

_Hiccup turns when he hears me approach and smiles. 'Hey. Can't sleep either?' He asks when I sit down next to him. I shake my head, not really answering his question. 'There's so much on my mind right now.' I say truthfully. 'But you were right, Hiccup. There's so much more out here and it's beautiful.' It really is. There are some misty clouds in the sky but the moon is shining brightly right through them making them glow, too. It's getting cool but there's almost no wind at all. Little waves hit the beach in front of us, making a soothing noise._

_'And this is only the beginning, Astrid.' Hiccup replies. 'Who knows what we'll find out here?' Only the beginning… The Beginning of a new life for all of us. New chances and maybe we'll find a new future out here._

_'I totally agree.' I say. I'm searching for the right words to say. Why must this be so hard?_

_'See? There are probably hundreds of other islands out here and tons of new dragons, too. Tomorrow we can look for the source of this strange singing noise earlier. What do you think could it have been?' Hiccup keeps talking enthusiastically. I slump down inwardly. There's no use in trying to talk about anything but new discoveries right now._

_'Who knows?' I reply. 'Our dragons liked it so it might be a singing fish?' I attempt to joke but fail miserably. Even so, Hiccup chuckles lightly._

_I wrap my arms around my knees and stare out into the darkness. This was a stupid idea, I should have known. It's too early for anything but new land and dragons. I shudder slightly, horrified by my own stupidity._

_'Are you cold?' Hiccup asks and lays an arm around my shoulder. I stiffen in surprise but this is Hiccup after all. Always a good friend. He often used to do things like this on our scouting missions. But then… I might as well use this to my advantage._

_'Yes, a little' I reply. 'And tired, too. This was an exciting but long day.' I yarn to proof my point and rest my head on his shoulder._

_'True' He agrees and shuffles slightly to make me more comfortable. We sit like this for a while and although I didn't intend to do so I soon fall asleep._

_I barely awake when Hiccup beds me carefully on the sand. I feel a light touch on my forehead and drift off into deep dreamless sleep._

**Big Man on Berk** (and what we've all been waiting for)

** Dear Diary **

Finally, we're back on Berk! There's so much I want to tell you about. Well, not what you might hope for, though, but still interesting. The others are over at Gothi's right now to get a cure for Fishlegs' allergy so I have a few minutes to fill you in.

So, where to start? Oh right. We almost died! Hah, but obviously we made it all back alive. Sorry, I'm a little hyped up. It's good to be home again! So yeah, almost dying… Right… We called the dragon Death Song for his song lures in other dragons so he can capture and eat them.

We also found an island that's inhabited by a large flock of Night Terrors. These are cunning little dragons not unlike the Terrible Terrors. Luckily they aren't aggressive and share their island with us. It is a beautiful place. You'll like it! It took us the past weeks but we did it! We constructed an outpost, the Dragon's Edge. I have my own hut there no one dares to enter so you'll be safe there.

There's one other place on this island I want to tell you about. I discovered it during our first days there and never told one of the others about it. It is a cave right on the cliff side not far from the Edge. It's practically invisible from the outside. One can see only a small ledge, too narrow for most dragons to land upon. It tried it out just to see whether Stormfly could do it and she did. Only then I saw the cave's entrance hidden inside the cliff's wall. The Cave's not big, only an oval of about 20 steps. What's special about this cave though is the walls. I guess Fishlegs would totally geek out if he ever discovers my cave… I have no idea what it is exactly, some kind of metal or mineral probably. It marbles the stone and reflects even the faintest light. Even at night, the cave seems to glow inside when there's enough moonlight outside. My Glowing Cave… I hide there when I really want to be alone. Yeah, I have my hut but someone could knock at almost any time.

But that's not what you want to hear about, right? Right… I haven't told him, yet… I'm still waiting for the right moment. We're always busy at the Edge. Building and scouting, caring for our dragons… Ah, who am I kidding… I haven't had the guts to tell him. This new life at the Edge… I love it! It's so exciting! I'm afraid to ruin it. What if I tell him and he rejects me? I don't think I could stay at the Edge if that were to happen. Maybe if the hype wears off a bit. I know I can always return to Berk but I don't want to right now.

** Dear Diary **

Today I _really_ almost died… of laughter! You should have seen Snotlout totally in love with Fishlegs, or rather _Thor Bonecrusher_. I'm still hardly able to not fall off my chair by laughter. It was ludicrous.

** Dear Diary **

So we made it back to the Edge. This two-days-flight really gives a lot of time to think… Being on Berk again… it reminded me of the past years. Of all these days and weeks and months I spend waiting and hoping… Of how I agonized myself over Hiccup…

And if I'm honest with myself… nothing has changed! I may be distracted right now but that won't last forever. I don't want to return to this vicious circle! I should tell him and live with the outcome but I just realized I'm a coward.

It should be simple. It is night and everyone's asleep or at their huts at least. I could simply go over to Hiccup. His hut is right next to mine after all. I could knock until he opens. I'm sure he not yet asleep since he's practically not sleeping at all since we found the Dragon Eye… I could tell him right away that I love him. So simple and yet so impossible at the same time. I just can't make myself do it!

I'm sorry but I can't write right now. I'll make a little flight, hopefully, that'll help to clear my mind.

* * *

_The night is clear and cold. A full moon lightens sea and shore and the wind is getting stronger. I have no goal and let Stormfly pick her path while I try to figure out what to do. I can't keep on living like the past four years... I value Hiccup's friendship I really do, but… Being his friend is simply not enough anymore. I've tried and failed…_

_My heart aches and I feel tears running down my cheeks. I can't endure this any longer! I have to do something! And since I'm obviously not courageous enough to tell him that I love him, I'll return to Berk._

_I already made this decision once when I agreed to join the Berk Guard. This is no different. I'll try to move on however hard it may be. This new life is exciting and great… but the price I'd have to pay is too high._

_I don't pay attention as to where Stormfly flies and am surprised when she alights. Maybe I subconsciously direct Stormfly toward my Glowing Cave or maybe she flew here on her own. It doesn't matter... She lands on the narrow ledge. I dismount and flee into the Cave. Here I'm alone. Here I'm save. I fall to my knees and sob unrestrainedly._

_Why did I fool myself like this? This new environment doesn't change anything! I can't go back to this life of hope and pain. I already feel this burning hole in my chest again. I wrap my arms around me. Leaving is the right thing to do. Why then does it feel so wrong?_

_Stormfly followed me into the cave. She croaks sympathetically and nudges me with her nose. I reach out and scratch her neck. 'I'll be fine, Stormfly' I say huskily. 'Everything will be fine…' If I tell myself often enough maybe it'll come true. I barely notice Stormfly leaving the Cave, leaving me to my agony. A new wave of tears and shaking overwhelm me._

* * *

_I have no idea for how long I lay on the stony ground. I'm cold and stiff and numb, inside and out. Looks like I fell asleep after all… But for how long? I slowly get on my feet and rub my eyes. They're still wet. I remember what brought me here and feel again this stabbing pain in my chest._

_'Hey Stormfly, what is this? Why are you so upset? Where's Astrid?' I hear a voice from the outside. A far too familiar voice. Stormfly led Hiccup to my Cave. I freeze. I can't talk to him right now. Not in my bedraggled state and surely not now!_

_I look around, searching for a hiding place. But there is none. No further corridor, no bigger rock, nothing. I hear metal clinging on stone as Hiccup enters the Cave and stop, my back towards the entrance. I don't want him so see my tears._

_'Look at this! What is this stone? That's amazing. Fishlegs will totally geek out when he sees this!' He's close now, just around the corner and… 'Hey, Astrid there you are! What happened? Stormfly acted really strange and almost got me worried. You're alright?' He stops talking, waiting for me to answer. I don't trust my voice right now. I nod and wrap my arms tighter around me. Not convincing enough obviously for Hiccup steps closer and places his hand on my shoulder._

_I_ can almost _feel my heart cracking due to this casual and kind gesture. It hurts… so much…_

_'What is it, Astrid?' He asks, more serious now._

_I bite my lip. Why can't he just leave me alone?_

_'You can tell me everything. You know that, right?'_

_G_ _o away! Go away. Go... away… '_

_We're friends!'_

_T_ _hat's it..._

_I spin around, furious now. 'But I don't want to be your friend!' I shout. 'I hate it!'_

_Silence._

_I see a hurt look crossing Hiccup's face and then nothing. His face is empty of emotions, a well-practised mask. I've seen it before whenever he didn't want to show his emotions to his opponent. He never used that mask on_ me _before! The cracks in my heart widen. What have I done?_

_Hiccup steps back once, twice. His eyes narrow. 'Then why did you keep up the act all this time? If you hate it so much…' He turns to leave the cave, and I stare after him, bewildered._

_'No...' I whisper. 'No Hiccup, wait! I didn't mean-'_

_Hiccup turns toward me, a hurricane of emotions in his eyes now._

_'You didn't mean what? Ever since I lost my leg all of a sudden everyone is friendly to me. They see a cripple and pity me, I know that. But I never needed, never wanted their pity. And I especially don't want yours!' He turns again and walks away._

_I stare after him, shocked._ Pity for the cripple _? My heart burst into uncountable shards. He can't really believe that! That I put up with him out of pity? I can't let him think that!_

_I hurry after him. I have to get to him before he flies off. I have to! When I reach the corner I find him leaning against the wall, head bowed. He notices me and keeps going. '_

_Hiccup, wait!' I shout._

_He doesn't wait._

_'_ _Hiccup, I can't stand being_ just _your friend! It's killing me… because… Because I love you!'_

_There, I said it… After I ruined everything and hope finally died I'm now able to say it. I close my eyes. I don't want to see whatever reaction might be on Hiccup's face. Or maybe there's none. Maybe he simply mounted Toothless and is already gone. I can hear the rustling of wings as he flies away. Or is it the blood rushing in my ears? I don't know. I don't care…_

_Suddenly there's movement, something in my face. I stiffen as an electric shock jolts right through my entire body. I try to back away but I can't. Something's holding me, I can't move. I try to calm, to understand what's happening._

_The electric shock wears off and I feel warmth instead. Warmth coming from whatever's restraining my movability, pressing against my entire body, my lips. Sudden realization dawns on me. It's Hiccup. Hiccup is kissing me!_

_I can discern his lips on mine now, moving slightly. His arms are around my waist, restraining me, holding me. My hands start to shake and I make them clutch his collar, drawing him closer. This is a dream! Surely it must be. I move my lips with his, taking in as much as possible of this moment. It ends too soon._

_When our lips part Hiccup keeps me in a tide embrace, his face buried in my hair. 'If this is a dream, please don't wake me.' I hear him whisper._

_I chuckle slightly. That's just what I thought, too. But I have to know…_

_'Hiccup?' I try to retreat, just enough to look at him. He lets me do so reluctantly. 'What… Why…?' I have trouble finding words while looking in his brightly shining green eyes._

_He smiles warmly and leans his forehead against mine. 'You have no idea for how long I wished for you to say these words. To dream… To hope…' He whispers._

_I swallow. These are my words, my feelings. Could it be..? 'For how long?' I hear myself ask._

_He draws back to look at me again. His face, his eyes are serious. 'Astrid I've been in love with you for almost ten years now!'_

** Dear Diary **

Hey there. It's me again. Haven't thought you'd hear from me again so soon, have you? Well' it's almost dawn and only a few hours have passed. The flight didn't help to clear my mind… neither did the hours we spend in my Glowing Cave for that matter... Yes, I said we, because Hiccup was with me. It's a long story, maybe I'll tell you another time… But it seems we're together now… as a couple… Or maybe I'm still dreaming… I don't hope so! My mind certainly feels hazy though…

This night we spend in my Cave was… special. We talked for hours and… okay, we didn't _just_ talk… There was a lot of kissing, too… Anyways we talked about so many things… Things we both never dared to mention these past years. We certainly could have made things easier for us…

It begins with the fact that Hiccup seems to be in love with me for _ten years_! I'm only beginning to comprehend what that means… He said he started working in Gobber's forge because of me. I resented him for so long because of that and he did it _for me_! He knew I wanted to become a warrior and since he was not the fighting type he wanted to help me by making weapons for me. That so… sweet. And it made me feel guilty retrospectively. In addition, it looks like Gobber knew all along. Apparently he always gave my weapons to Hiccup for mending. Because he knew what it meant to him. And he never said a word. Gobber always was like an uncle to me and he never said a word!

I also asked Hiccup why he didn't say anything. Like after he defeated the Red Death, that year on Snoggletog, the Thawfest-Incident… Okay, cross out the last one, I wasn't coherent myself that day… But there were so many occasions when I thought I showed enough of my feelings for him to know… He admitted having noticed these things. At least… But apparently he had never allowed himself to _believe_ any of it. He said he had dreamed and hoped for so long that he wasn't even considering it could come true. He said that… that to him I'm the perfect divine beauty, as it is in my name, and that he never considered himself worthy enough…

It made me feel bad to hear him say this. I'm far from perfect… I'm mean and I'm callous sometimes and I'm a coward… All the things he's not. I rather think that I'm the one who doesn't deserve _him_ , that I'm the fortunate one of us.

Ah, I'll have to think more about all this… For now, we agreed to not tell the others about us. I really don't need any teasing or mocking comments from Snotlout or Tuffnut right now… And I think I'll be able to handle Snotlout's flirting comments far better now. We'll try to behave normally around the others. That shouldn't be too hard I guess. We've been close before and as long as they don't catch us kissing…

The Sun is rising… I'll try to catch some hours of sleep now. Luckily the journey back from Berk was hard for all of us and no one will be up before noon…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> D'aww, finally! 🥰  
> Also, there's this one-shot I wrote... it's called [That Smile](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14048589) and it ties into my headcanons as they are metnioned at the end of this chapter.


	5. Race to the Edge 1 (Part II)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah! My fantasy's running wild… Hiccup probably wouldn't act like this… but then, maybe we would! Maybe being with Astrid boosts his confidence. Who knows…? ;)
> 
> I changed the order of the events slightly at the end… 'The Next Big Sting' should be last but it's not a good ending for this chapter. It doesn't change anything, however…

**Gone Gustav Gone**

Dear Diary

It's been two weeks now and they were trying indeed. We organized our life at the Edge and it works well so far. Hiccup came up with the plan. We rotate duties like cooking, fishing, dragon care and keeping watch so that everyone has the same amount of work to do. Well, the Twins asked me whether I would trade one duty for another. They would take my cooking duty in order for their watch duty. I don't like the idea of unbalancing Hiccup's system but then… I really _hate_ cooking duty and the Twins on watch duty are probably not very effective. I'm going to agree to the offer as long as Hiccup's alright with it.

Hiccup's quite busy these days by the way… He and Fishlegs try to decipher the Dragon Eye and spend almost every free minute at Hiccup's hut trying every combination they can think of. Apparently what the Dragon Eye shows depends on numerous factors. I accompanied Hiccup during his researches. Of course, it is interesting how much knowledge is hidden inside this little cylinder but I did it rather to spend some time with Hiccup. I gave up on that after a few tries though. I'm not sure he even noticed I was there. He's completely absorbed by his researches and it's kind of cute to watch him. But it's also annoying.

Keeping our relationship secret has worked so far by the way. Except for occasional glances we try to act no different around the others then before. It would be awkward anyway to kiss Hiccup with the others around… Keeping my distance during the day doesn't bother me much. It makes the nights so much sweeter. We rejected the idea of meeting in one of our huts out of hand. No one should come in there at night but you never know… Instead, we agreed to meet in my Glowing Cave. It's nice to have this place all to ourselves. After our first night there Hiccup had the idea of bringing some spare furs and blankets to make it more comfortable. The Cave is shielded from the wind but we can't make a fire or else this secret place could easily be detected. And I know what you think right now! But it's not like that… we cuddle and kiss of course but also talk a lot.

We talk about the day, upcoming problems and how to solve them. Dagur is a pressing topic, too. He's still out there and surely has not forgotten about us.

We also talked about past adventures and compared our experiences. For example the arrival of the Flightmare. I never noticed Hiccup got keyed up, too, during the days before. But of course, he had helped me through Uncle Finn's loss, long before anyone thought about love. He always knew what the return of the Flightmare meant to me and was worried or me. The more I think of this the more stupid I feel… Retrospectively there are so many things I misinterpreted.

There was one other issue that keeps popping up in my mind since we talked about it. Heather. I thought about her occasionally during the past years, too, but it happens much more frequently these days. We never heard from her again after she and her parents left Berk. I wonder how she's doing. I still think it would have been nice if I would have had a friend like her around all these years. I really hope she's alright

We also talked about Alvin a lot. During these past three years, he had visited Stoick a few times, but fortunately, he never crossed my path. I never liked him and trusted him even less but Hiccup tried to convince me of his trustworthiness. Apparently, Alvin and Stoick were once not unlike Snotlout and Hiccup in their difficult friendship. Well, that doesn't make me trust him more though… I'll never forget or forgive all the tricks Alvin used. The days Hiccup and Toothless spend in Alvin's dungeon, Mildew's betrayal, the eggs of the Whispering Death and the Screaming Death of course. When I reminded Hiccup of this his mood darkened, too.

He, too, remembers. There were other events that were more crucial to him though. For example the days I had to spend in bed because of my broken ribs. I haven't thought about these days in a long time but apparently, Hiccup has. He told me the fact that I got hurt during this event is one of the things he'll never forgive Alvin no matter how good a friend he became to his father. After all that happened between us, this is one of the things that comfort me the most. When Hiccup brought it up I remembered how bad I felt since I thought Hiccup took care of me because of guilt. After all these years I now know that was not the case. He took care of me back then because he already loved me. He wanted to spend time with me and wanted to lighten my suffering. I told Hiccup how close I was to telling him my feelings that one day. We both laughed about our own former stupidity. How different our contemporary lives would be? If we would have been a couple all these years we would probably be married by now. In that case, we probably would not have looked for the _Reaper_ , would not have found the Dragon Eye hence the Dragon Edge.

Hiccup also suggested that we probably would be parents by now. That thought crept me out a little. Yes, sure, of course, we will probably have children… someday… Hiccup would need an heir at least… But to me, this whole topic is quite far down the list! I just can't see myself as a caring mother or worse, as a housewife. I'm pretty glad this is not a pressing issue right now. But I'm aware of the fact that it could become one soon. Our relationship has not yet reached that crucial point but it will do so eventually. As much as I like being with Hiccup I'm also careful in how far we're going. We also talked about that topic a lot… for I really don't want to surprise the whole population of Berk by presenting the youngest Dragon Rider at Snoggletog…

Dear Diary

These last few days have been more than a little frustrating. Fishlegs discovered another function at the Dragon Eye and after that we saw near to nothing of him and Hiccup. I tried to reach them inside their geeky bubble when I brought them some food but they barely noticed me. Okay, Hiccup did notice me. He apologized for being so busy and promised to meet me later. He even hugged me, guilt-induced probably, right there in front of Fishlegs. But there's no need to worry, really… Fishlegs had the Dragon Eye after all.

Later came and I waited in our Glowing Cave but Hiccup didn't show up! I fell asleep after waiting for one or two hours and when I awoke in the morning he hadn't been there. I was angry and hurt and when I flew over to his hut to confront him I found him and Fishlegs fast asleep. It was funny, really. Fishlegs lay on the ground, loose sheets of paper with cryptic notes all around him, and snored heavily. Hiccup sat on his stool, head resting on the desk and using the Dragon Eye as kind of a pillow. I was still disappointed then but not angry anymore.

I always knew how important these researches were to Hiccup. His enthusiasm is one of the things I love about him most after all. I can't begrudge it now. I did talk to him however, later that day. He obviously felt pretty guilty and apologized over and over. He promised something like that wouldn't happen again. I already know that's a promise he won't be able to keep but that's alright. He's Hiccup after all.

The following nights however he did show up in our Cave. He was late and I already asleep so he just snuggled up beside me but he was there. I can only hope this obsession with the Dragon Eye won't last too long…

...

_This is bad! This is really bad!_

_I'm on guard duty and just saw someone approaching the Edge through one of Hiccup's spy glasses. I have to warn Hiccup right away. I nudge Stormfly and she's airborne immediately. 'Towards Hiccup's' I order and only seconds later I dismount in front of his hut. I open his entrance and find him, of course, with the Dragon Eye in hand._

_'Astrid Class!' He says with slightly embarrassed laughter. Great… So I'm promoted to be a dragon now. As long as he's not trying to train me as well…_

_'Hiccup, we have a problem. A huge problem!' I tell him in a grave voice._

_He becomes serious immediately. 'Dagur?' He asks, but I shake my head. 'Worse!'_

* * *

_Gustav is going to stay with us? He can't be serious, can he? He's just a kid! He can't stay at the Edge! Why hasn't Hiccup told him so right away? Fishlegs and the others disappeared into nowhere right after this revelation. Maybe they are smarter then I gave them credit for…_

_'Astrid? Please?' Hiccup's pleading is endearing in a way. Like a puppy…_

_'Wait a minute! Why do I have to watch him?' I ask nonetheless. It's bad enough to watch over the Twins and Snotlout on occasions. But Gustav? No way!_

_'I would do it but I'm making some just… major breakthroughs with the Dragon Eye.' Of course. In Hiccup's world that's reason enough… But still… 'So?' I ask, not letting Hiccup off the hook that easily._

_'I…I did promise him that when the time was right I would train him to be a Dragon Rider.' Hiccup admits uncomfortably. 'I just didn't think that said time would be today!' As if there was any time suitable for annoying Gustav to join us…_

_'Well what am I supposed to do with him in the meantime?' I'll wrangle some time for Hiccup. But he owes me for this…_

_'I… I don't know. Just keep him occupied!' He gets more uncomfortable by the minute. Good! There's one thing left…_

_'Great! So I'm a babysitter!' I state._

_'Babysitter…?' Hiccup knows just too well what I'm referring to and has the decency to be embarrassed. 'No! I mean, come on. He's sixteen! How much trouble could he possibly be?'_

_You have no idea, I think to myself._

* * *

_Urg… This was bad… Little Gustav is even worse than Snotlout ever was! I don't want to even_ imagine _what happened inside his dump head just now… I dropped him off at the Twins' hut. He can't do too much damage there, I guess. And now I'll have a talk with Hiccup!_

_When I reach his hut I find its entrance closed again. I can hear Hiccup talking to himself inside. I open the hut and enter once more._

_'So, the Monstrous Nightmare Gem plus Deadly Nadder equals… Astrid! Hey Astrid… what're you doing here? So soon, I mean… Is Gustav….' Hiccup stammers as I glare at him._

_'Still alive?' Yes, he is. But it was close, I dare say. He tried to get shot by Stormfly's spikes.' I wander over towards Hiccup and take the Dragon Eye out of his hands. 'We have to talk!' I say and cramp the Dragon Eye into a nearby chest. He looks at it longingly and I roll my eyes._

_'Do I have to take something off to get your attention or will you be able to listen without drastic measures?' Hah,_ that _got his attention._

_'Erm…' Hiccup blushes as he tries to find an answer._

_I shake my head and smile a little. 'Let's get you out of here.' I suggest and he follows me out of the hut obediently._

_I don't mount Stormfly. A dragon's back is not the best place for a conversation. Instead, I wait for Hiccup and we take a walk over the bridges and to a high nearby cliff. Stormfly and Toothless follow us at a short distance. The walk does take some time and I don't say a word until we reach the cliff giving Hiccup time to think. He really needs this from time to time. He's far too occupied with this Dragon Eye…_

_'So?' I ask when we sit side by side at the cliff._

_Hiccup sighs. 'I know what you want to say, Astrid. But I promised I would train him… I can't just send him away again.'_

_'Well, he can't stay either. He's just a kid!' I counter. 'And don't tell me we were at the same age. I did realize that. But we were on Berk! We had our families and the whole village as back-up. Here at the Edge, we're on our own. We can't train a kid to become a Rider right now!'_

_Hiccup looks miserable. 'I know that…' He claims. 'But I always wished for more Berkians to get their own dragons. It would be saver for them. We have to start somewhere.' He looks at me, pleading for understanding. 'I have to at least try' He adds almost whispering._

_I try to think it trough. Hiccup does have a point. Maybe if we try to train him a few basics and send him back to Berk as a guardian... One of us should probably stay on Berk, too, for one or two weeks at least. To make sure Gustav and Fanghook settle there and explain it all to Stoick… I'm deep in thoughts and almost miss out on Hiccup getting up._

_'What's up?' I ask, but Hiccup doesn't answer. He has his spyglass up and looks at… his hut? I get on my feet, too, and try to spot what has him so occupied. At that moment a Monstrous Nightmare darts out of Hiccup's hut and flies off over the sea._

_'By Thor's Hammer! What did he do in there?' Hiccup curses and waved toward Toothless. 'Come on, bud. We have to take a look at this!' He's on Toothless' back and in the air before I can even react. Sometimes being with Hiccup is a tiny bit frustrating…_

_I mount Stormfly and follow Hiccup. When I reach his hut I find him rummaging through every chest and box he can find. 'No, no, no!' He shouts. 'He took it! Gustav took the Dragon Eye!'_

Dear Diary

What a day… I thought it couldn't get worse when Gustav showed up all of a sudden but apparently I was wrong. He stole the Dragon Eye and almost got himself killed and I still feel guilty about that. If it wasn't for me, Hiccup would not have left his hut or would have hidden the Dragon Eye more securely at least. Luckily we found Gustav in time but it was close. The Dragon Eye could be lost forever and Gustav could be dead…

Hiccup was angry... He yelled at Gustav for not being mature and responsible enough. I felt pretty bad, too, and it wasn't even me he was yelling at… I've rarely seen him like this and wanted to talk to him about it but he blocked me off. I guess he needs some time to calm down. Knowing Hiccup he probably blames himself for what happened. That would explain his anger, too. But honestly, it's rather my fault than his. I'm the one who left the Dragon Eye unguarded in that chest and pushed Hiccup to come for a walk. And I'm the one who was responsible for Gustav in the first place, too. I should have known that dropping him at the Twins' would not be a good idea. No, Hiccup really should not blame himself…

* * *

_I can't sleep. I sit at a window near my bedside table and watch the night sky, clouds passing the moon and stars. It's the first night I'm going to spend in my hut, my bed in a long time. I shiver and it's not just because of the chilly wind. Is this our first fight? It seems like it somehow although I always imagined a fight to be different. Maybe he, too, realized that I'm the one to blame for today's events. Maybe I should apologize, but then… I don't see how I would have acted any different in the given situation. And Hiccup didn't even want to talk to me…_

_I see movement outside. A dragon flies by probably one of the wild ones that inhabit the island. But this close?_

_I hear something at my entrance. Someone opens it slightly only to close it again immediately. I can't imagine anyone to be so bold as to break into my hut so it can only be Hiccup. Please, let it be Hiccup! I grab my axe nonetheless and wait for whoever entered my hut. It actually could also be Gustav, I guess._

_But it's not Gustav. I see Hiccup's head poking out of the ladder's opening. I'm relieved to see him and lower my axe again. 'Oh, you're awake.' Hiccup remarks surprised as he sees me battle-ready. His eyes cling on my axe and a groan escapes him. 'Not that one again!' He whines mockingly and scratches a faint scar at his neck after I helped him up the ladder._

_'Well, a girl has to defend herself somehow!' I reply, also mockingly._

_'As if anyone would dare to intrude your realm without your permission.' He rolls his eyes at me. I raise an eyebrow. 'I… I assumed… hoped you would allow me to…' He adds, stammering._

_I chuckle and place a quick kiss at the scar on his neck. 'You're lucky. I won't behead you... this time' He gulps exaggerated and I wink at him._

_I place my axe back on its shelf. When I turn back towards Hiccup our joking mood is gone. I remember how we parted earlier today and so does he, I assume. I should say something. Apologize probably. But I'm not used to feeling this insecure and before I can think of what to say Hiccup begins._

_'Astrid I wanted to apologize. I should not have left you like this earlier. I… I just needed some time to think things through and…actually, your presence is not exactly helpful to get a clear head.' He blushes slightly and I smile a little._

_I step closer and place my hands on his chest. 'So, now it's my turn to apologize?' I ask shyly, not looking into his eyes. That wouldn't be helpful for_ me _to think._

_He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. 'What do you have to apologize for?' He asks, sounding honestly surprised. I bite my lip. Not helpful indeed._

_'Well, Gustav would never have been able to get away with the Dragon Eye if I hadn't dropped him off on the Twins. Or if I hadn't kidnapped you for that mmmhh-'_

_Hiccup interrupts me by kissing me on the lips. I meld against him and wrap my arms around his neck. If this was our first fight then this first make-up was defiantly worth it. But all too soon Hiccup releases me and looks me in the eyes instead, sternly._

_'Don't you dare blame yourself, Astrid.' He says and I can feel his sincerity. This is no joking around. He closes his eyes and pulls me even closer._

_I rest my head on his shoulder and wait. There's more he wants to say I can feel it somehow. He needs to get it off his chest. It takes a few moments but then he starts talking again._

_'You were right… I needed to get out… This Dragon Eye… It has me far too occupied for my own good and for all our goods as well. And for ours…' He places a quick kiss on my hair. 'I should not have loaded it upon you to watch over Gustav in the first place. I should have done it myself. I…' He sighs and shakes his head. 'I realized a few things earlier today… The Dragon Eye required my entire time. Time I better should have spent on other things instead. First and foremost I should have had more time for you. I… I'm still not used to… this.' He gestures vaguely at the two of us. 'I promise I won't let this thing keep me mentally imprisoned like that again!' He vows. I smile to myself. I'm really relieved to hear him say this._

_'So, no more sleepovers at your desk?' I ask, the joking mood returning._

_'Hah!' He replies 'No, I thought a bed would be much more comfortable. Oh, see, there is one! What a coincident…' He keels over onto my bed, taking me with him. I yelp in surprise but he just laughs. 'Ah, that's better. Now, referring to your prior offer…' He grins at me cheekily. I narrow my eyes at him. 'You wanted to take something off' He reminds me, still grinning. I punch him in the shoulder and he grimaces but keeps grinning._

_Then he moves, fast, and I find myself lying on my back pinned to the bed by Hiccup atop me. He holds on to my hands beside my head and supports most of his weight with his arms. I can barely move however and before I can protest his lips are on mine. This kiss is not gentle or sweet but rather fervid. It waves through my entire body wiping away every coherent thought in my head and induces a strange tingling sensation deep down in my belly. All I sense is Hiccup, his lips moving with mine, his muscled body just separated from mine by a few layers of cloth. I can feel the heat radiating from him. I arc my back to get closer and my head dips backwards in unison. A low moan escapes me as Hiccup continuous to kiss my throat. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know I should stop this… But why I can't remember. I don't want him to stop! His hand is on my waist now, gliding under my shirt and up my spine. I groan again, louder this time._

_All of a sudden Hiccup, his hands, his lips, his heat, is gone. It takes a moment for me to understand what happened. I'm breathing heavily and I feel like my whole body is on fire. I open my eyes and find Hiccup lying next to me, against the wall. He's breathing heavily, too, and has one arm over his face, covering his eyes._

_'I'm sorry Astrid.' He gasps roughly. 'I shouldn't...' He doesn't continue but I know, what he's thinking. He should not have gone so far. Only I don't agree with him._

_I roll to the side, closer toward him and place my lips on the corner of his mouth. 'Sorry for what?' I ask, smiling. Hiccup lifts his arm to study me. 'You're… not mad?' he asks carefully._

_'Do I look mad?' I snuggle closer._

_He studies me for a moment longer then chuckles and lays his arm around me. 'I love you' he whispers in my ear. I sigh and simply enjoy the moment._

_After a while, Hiccup shuffles and I untangle myself from his embrace. I sit up and look at him only to find him looking at me in return. He sits up, too, his expression serious, and brushes some loose strands of hair out of my face. 'You're really okay? With what happened, I mean…' He trails off, blushing again, despite his former straightforward behaviour._

_I tilt my head and try to think it through in a hurry. Then I nod._ _'I'm okay, more than okay really, with what just happened. Because you stopped.' Too early for my taste, but I don't say this. 'I don't know if I would have been able to do so...' I admit. 'I just really, really don't want to become pregnant right now…' I feel a blush rising in my cheeks too and look away. I'm unsure whether to tell him what's on my mind but decide to do so. I take a deep breath to steady my voice. It's no good. 'I liked it.' I whisper. I'm not sure whether Hiccup could hear it though._

_But apparently, he could for he takes me in a light embrace and replies 'Me too.' He clears his throat and adds 'And… you know… you wouldn't be alone… I mean… I wouldn't… ah… leave you with… erm…' I interrupt his stammering by nodding against his chest._

_'I know' I reply._

Dear Diary

So, Gustav is gone again and with him a whole lot of problems, too. The Edge is a calmer place once again. And despite our lapses, the others still don't suspect anything about Hiccup and me. We spend the last night in my hut together, both too tired to go anywhere else. I like sleeping in Hiccup's arm. It's the only place I can really relax. But I fear Hiccup wasn't as comfortable though for he still looked pretty tired this morning. In a way, it was good that everyone was agitated this morning because of Gustav's departure. That way no one noticed Hiccup coming out of my hut instead of his.

I made another mistake though. During our search for Gustav, I checked Hiccup's hut, too. It was empty the whole night so he could have been there theoretically and since I checked the clubhouse and stables his hut wasn't far off. Hiccup flew around the island instead as Toothless is much faster… Snotlout at least must have heard me when I told Hiccup that I didn't find Gustav. Luckily he's not smart enough to put two and two together or he surely would have commented it in any way. If we really want to keep this secret we probably have to be more careful…

There is something else that worries me though… Despite everything, Gustav _did_ discover a new lens for the Dragon Eye… I can only hope this won't interfere with Hiccups promise. This lens surely holds a lot of new information and I couldn't even hold it against him if he wants to examine it further… But I really want some more alone time with Hiccup…

What happened last night… I don't know how to describe it. This feeling was intoxicating, addictive… I want more of it! More of Hiccup's touches and kisses and more of this tingling sensation deep inside me… Even when I recall last night's event now all I can think is _more!_ But I'm also afraid… I really don't see how I would have stopped Hiccup. If he hadn't done so himself… Maybe I should be more on guard… Or maybe it will get easier…

What Hiccup said later though… I think he intended to assure me. That he wouldn't leave me alone with a child… That's quite close to a proposal, really, especially for him as future chief. An illegitimate child would always threaten his reign… Could it really be that it was _that_ he tried to tell me? I probably should have let him finish speaking…

**Reign Of Fireworms**

Dear Diary

Outpost Island belongs to the Twins… Gobber just declared their Namey Rock to be authentic and Stoick made it official. Hiccup thinks this problem will solve itself once Ruff and Tuff realize what it means to be in charge… I really hope he's right and that they realize it soon. These Fireworms are going to burn down the entire island and our new rulers don't -

* * *

_Two arms embrace me from behind and I hastily shut my Diary. A moment later Hiccup kisses my neck and I close my eyes, enjoying the sensation. 'Will you ever let me read any of what you're writing there all the time?' He asks, his lips still on my skin._

_I try to form a coherent thought but it's no good. I turn around to glare at him, freeing myself from his embrace in the process._ _'No!' I simply state and get up from my chair. 'When did you get so sneaky?' I ask in return. 'I didn't even hear the creaky rundle.'_

_'Well, I know that one by now and simply skipped it' He answers and studies me. 'And you look tired enough to overhear a Thunderdrum. Why aren't you asleep? I thought that's why you came here in the first place.' He leans against my desk and watches me as I stretch._

_'I know. I tried to, really. But I can't sleep as long as there's so much work to do…' I yarn and rub my forehead. We spend a major part of yesterday and last night clearing the brush in and around the Edge. My back still aches from the unusual work._

_Hiccup nods in appreciation. 'That's my girl. Working non-stop until she breaks down… Maybe you should sit back down again. Sleeping at your desk is a fine way to reward yourself for a long day's work, I assure you…' I glare at him but he just chuckles and waves me over. 'Anyway, I came to get you. The Twins are going to give out job assignments and we're not allowed to be late…'_

_'Great!' I groan and rub my eyes. I heard the sarcasm in his voice though and it comforts me to know that he, too, is not happy with this situation._

**Crushing It**

Dear Diary

It's weird to have Gobber and Stoick here at the Edge for this long… After that Rumblehorn warned us of that wave and Stoick befriended the beast they are now staying until Gobber gets back to normal after his hit to the head. Admittedly they help a lot in repairing the damaged parts of the Edge and of course, Stoick spends much time with his son since they don't see each other often anymore. And I know that Hiccup enjoys this time with his father, too, but Hiccup and I have practically no chance to be on our own at all anymore…

They are staying at Hiccup's hut of course and Stoick would probably notice if he were to sneak away at night… Hiccup tried the same excuse we give the others every now and then though, that we would occasionally go on night time patrols just to be on the save side. None of the others ever seemed to think twice about it and surely no one offered to join these additional _patrols_ that actually end pretty soon in our Glowing Cave. When Hiccup told his father though Stoick apparently just glanced out of the window to where I was waiting, nodded with a grin and told him to have fun. I don't think we'll try that one again on Stoick… He really sees much more than most others, especially when it comes to Hiccup.

I just hope they'll leave soon…

**Quake, Rattle And Roll**

Dear Diary

I like Fishlegs… Really, I do. But whenever he calls out for Hiccup in this panicky-excited voice of his I want to strangle him! Just this morning he apparently made this _stunning_ discovery of some sort of hidden island and away they flew.

I mean… I'm glad, it's Fishlegs who investigates the Dragon Eye now and I know this only works for Hiccup as long as he gets informed about every major discovery immediately… But it's annoying nonetheless! Especially since this means I'm the one who has to keep the Twins in check…

So the two of them flew off to this Dark Deep, or whatever they call it… I hope this journey only takes a few days. I hate being left behind with only Snotlout and the Twins as company…

**The Next Big Sting**

Dear Diary

If Hiccup ever intends to do something like this again remind me to tie him up in time! He jumped off a cliff today. THREE TIMES! Just to prove to us that his latest invention would work… He built himself wings, can you believe it? He called it 'Dragonfly I'. If he intends to build more of these I'll lock him up. For his own good! For once I agree with Tuffnut and his stupid chicken. I'm not amused! Not! At! All! Is he actually this weary of everything that he tries to get himself killed?

Ah, no… Of course that's not the case… It's Hiccup! He probably really thinks this flight suit is a great idea and of great use. It's just as crackbrained an idea as keeping this Speed Stinger around and trying to train it…

**Have Dragon Will Travel**

Dear Diary

So, we're back on Berk again. Two weeks at home, time to resupply and see our families. It's harder than I thought it would be! I'm so used to have my own hut, my own home by now. It's great to be with my parents again but I have a hard time readjusting. Especially since Hiccup and I don't want anyone on Berk to know about us as well. I don't think my parents would let my fly away with him again if they knew… They would probably insist upon our immediate marriage. And I don't even want to think about Stoick's scrutinizing look. I fear he suspects something.

Anyway, there are still good parts in being on Berk. Hiccup has been euphoric for days to use Gobber's forge. Sure, he has his own little forge at the Edge but it is nothing of course to Gobber's. Apparently, someone found another lump of Gronckle Iron and Hiccup promised to forge something for me, a surprise, and I'm pretty curious as to what it might be.

We also went on a few scouting patrols around the island. Old habits die hard, I guess. Although I know this place quite well by now Hiccup and I flew over to Toothless' Cove as he calls it. He told me in detail how he and Toothless became friends all those years ago. This has always been a rather personal matter to him. We all know theoretically how he managed it but he never told us more than necessary. This time was different though. He told me everything. I feel honoured to have this amount of his trust now.

When I think about these weeks back then… how I loathed him for being so strangely good in our dragon training. It must have been a hard time for him, really. Apparently, he cared for this then unfamiliar dragon whenever he could. How he learned about his feeding habits, how he actually stole whole baskets of fish and carried them all the way to this cove. But that's what it is with most dragons… Feeding them is the way to get to them.

Okay and yes, we used this chance of being alone in other ways, too, of course. And Hiccup actually left a love bite at my neck! I'm always so careful to not let anyone suspect anything and then he does something like this! Luckily I can hide it beneath my braid but still…

Tomorrow we'll fly back to the Edge. I'm really looking forward to some normalcy.

* * *

' _You're so sweet! Thank you, Hiccup! You've always been a good friend to me.' I hear Heather say. I lean against the outer wall of the stables and wait. Hiccup and I came here to talk to Heather but when we arrived Hiccup told me to wait out of sight. When it comes to dealing with people, to comfort them and talk seriously, I trust Hiccup's judgment. He's way better with things like this then I am._

_There is this tiny gap in the wall however and I watched them talk until a few moments ago. I trust Hiccup, I really do, but his embracing another girl is not something I want to see. Even if said girl calls him a friend simultaneously. Even if it's Heather… I bite my lip and wait, arms crossed, for them to part. Heather stays with Windshear fortunately and Hiccup beckons me to follow him. We say nothing until we reach his hut. There he stops me by holding on to my still crossed arm._

_'You saw that, huh?' He asks and I simply nod. 'Astrid it was-'_

_I silence him by holding up a hand._ _'I know! I know it was nothing…serious.' I shake my head in an attempt to get the image out of my head. 'It's just… I'm hardly used to_ being _with you let alone… jealousy.' The last word comes out only as a mumble._

_With a low chuckle Hiccup steps closer, arms lifted to take me in but I retreat, looking around carefully. No one to be seen but you never know… Hiccup sighs and lowers his arms again. 'Astrid…' he begins but I interrupt him again._

_'It's alright, Hiccup, really! I trust you! I just have to get used to this…'_

_Hiccup scratches his neck. 'Well, then this might not get me killed after all…' he mumbles. 'I won't be coming over to your hut tonight.'_

_I nod. I expected that after all. 'I know. I already prepared a place for Heather to sleep. We can hardly leave her with Snotlout' I chuckle but soon stop when I notice Hiccup's apprehensive face. 'What is it? Spit it out!' I order._

_'Ah, please let me finish speaking, okay?' Hiccup holds up his hands in defence and I narrow my eyes at him. 'I don't think Heather will spend the night at your hut either' He declares. I try again to interrupt him but this time he puts a finger on my lips to silence me. 'Let me finish, remember? I suspect she won't stay at the Edge at all. I have a feeling…' His look wanders to the stables. 'I think she's going to leave as soon as we're all asleep. She hides something and I want to know what it is!'_

_I let out a breath I didn't even notice I was keeping. For a moment I thought… I shudder slightly. My heart races and I cross my arms again to keep them from shaking. 'So, you're going to follow her?' I ask and Hiccup nods. I nod, too. I think about suggesting to accompany him but I don't. A secret pursuit through the night? In opposition to Toothless Stormfly is not suited for something like that._

_I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. I'm acting stupid and I know that! He never gave me a reason to doubt him. I refuse to feel this insecure now! 'How are you going to go about it?' I ask. Talking tactics may help me focus._

_Hiccup shrugs. 'I thought I'd simply wait near the stables for her to leave and follow her. In this case the simple solution might be the best.' I nod in agreement. 'In that case, you still have a few minutes, right?' I ask impishly. He watches me warily. 'Yes?' he answers but it sounds unsure._

_'Great!' I state and push him through the open entrance into his hut. In the safety of the shadowed room I kiss him in a way that hopefully makes him regret not having more time._

Dear Diary

Just as expected Heather was gone in the morning and so was Hiccup. The others made some rude comments about it, teasing and mocking me. Sometimes I really wish they would have stayed on Berk… Fishlegs is alright and even useful sometimes, but the rest…

Hiccup and I agreed that I would tell them about his plan to pursuit Heather in the morning but I changed my mind. I don't think it hurt them to wonder and worry. Even later when we found our dragons locked up I let them fear the worst as punishment. It took us some time to open the boxes and only then, when they prepared to fly off into nowhere I told them. Their stunned expressions were priceless!

This is so strange… When Heather was on Berk all this years ago I hated her most of the time… Only at the end I was sorry to see her go. I often wondered how she was doing, wished to hear from her. We only had a few hours on Berk after we saved her and her parents from Outcast Island but they were enough to form a strange kind of friendship. Well, strange for me at least.

I always accepted to be on my own. Even now with Hiccup there are still many things, many interests we don't share. I have my weapons training and he has his inventions. We often work together in these interests but they are still separated. I don't understand how his inventions work and I suspect it's no different for him when it comes to the subtleties of fighting. With Heather I met a person that understood me. I remember how euphoric I was when I could actually talk about things and recognized the comprehension in Heather's eyes. I guess that's why Hiccup is able to talk to Fishlegs for hours…

When I saw that chicken leg yesterday I dared to hope for a moment. It reminded me so much of Heather… Actually seeing her then was… surreal in a way. But after we returned to the Edge it took only minutes and we were on the same wavelength again as Snotlout experienced firsthand. We talked a lot for the rest of the day but only later, after Hiccup was already gone, I realized that she didn't _tell_ us anything. What happened to her and her parents? What did she do all these years? Why was she out there, sinking ships?

Right now I'm closer to hating her again… Hiccup was right, she is hiding something. It hurts that she wouldn't trust me with this. And she's out there with Hiccup right now… It's not that I mistrust him! But I envy her… Whatever Hiccup's facing… Since he hasn't returned by now he probably met some trouble. Arg, it's Hiccup! Of course he met some trouble! I should have gone with him after all…

_I can hear commotion from the outside and put aside my diary. Are Ruff and the boys doing nonsense again? I widen the span of my shutters to take a look… and catch a glimpse of a metallic dragon tail disappearing behind the club house. So, they are back! Finally!_

_I jump up from my chair and down the ladder in a hurry only to find Hiccup waiting downstairs. 'Hey there' he greats me before I throw my arms around his neck. 'You're back!' I'm more relieved to see him back safely then I should be. He wasn't gone that long. I probably should get used to the actual danger out here…_

_He closes his arms around me and I can feel him relaxing. 'I missed you, too.' He adds with a low chuckle. We stay like this for a few moments before I remember why he left in the first place. 'What about Heather? Did you find out what's up with her?' I ask after retreating slightly. Hiccup nods. 'She's in the club house with the others. I came to get you, she wants to talk to all of you.'_

Dear Diary

Spending Time with Heather is fun! I never had a friend like her before who's just as competitive and skilled as I am. She's also far more observant then everyone else around here… I fear she knows about Hiccup and me. Hopefully she'll keep it to herself…

Well she won't have a chance to tell anyone in the near future. She wants to show me something and we'll be on the way for at least one day. I wonder what it might be… Anyways, I came to get my things. Hiccup already knows about our trip and told us to have fun. But he also asked me to keep an eye on Heather. She's still not telling us the whole truth, I guess.

* * *

_'You too? Just forget it. All that stuff about trust and having my back, I guess that was just talk.' Heather turns her back on me and leaves. I feel awful! She does have a point… But what can we possibly do? Without Hiccup and Toothless we have little chance against Dagur and his improved ships. If only I knew where he flew or when he's going to come back…_

_Apparently he flew off yesterday shortly after Heather and I left. He only told Fishlegs that he had something important to check and would be gone for a few days… To think that I started to worry after only 12 hours… I really need to become calmer…_

_I still don't know what to do about Heather though. She's right in that this is probably our last chance to get rid of these ships. But as long as Hiccup's gone I'm the one in charge and I can't send everyone on a dangerous mission just like that without the back-up of our strongest weapon. I wonder how Hiccup handles things like this… But then he would never be in a situation like this since he would be_ there _!_

_I reach my hut and enter it. It feels empty and cold somehow. Heather already got her things apparently. I climb the ladder to drop my bag and rest a little after today's long flight. I lie down on my bed and close my eyes. The cushions still smell like Hiccup… What would he do? He asked me to keep an eye on Heather… But she's determined to hunt Dagur down. And I agree! I want this maniac safely locked-up just like everyone else. But the danger…_

_I roll to the side, restlessly. This is not getting me anywhere… Suddenly I notice a folded piece of paper on top of the other cushion. I sit up and reach for it when I see it has my name written on it. I unfold it and read._

_Dear Astrid,_

_I found something in Heather's belongings and have to talk about this to my father immediately._

_I'll explain everything when I have my answers and am back at the Edge. Until then I have to ask you a favor. Please keep Heather from any drastic measures and keep her save. She might be more closely involved in all this then we thought…_

_I'm sorry for not telling you in person but you and Heather are already too far gone and I don't want her to know where I'm going anyway._

_And since I know you… I'm also sorry for not taking you with me! But I'll be faster on my own. I hope I can make it back in one and a half days._

_Hiccup_

_I lower the letter and stare at the opposite wall for a few moments. Here is my answer! We can't let Heather face Dagur on her own. Hiccup would not hesitate to help any of us no matter the danger. I grab my axe and hurry out of my hut. Hopefully Heather is not jet gone!_

* * *

_Heather flies off into the sunset._ It was nice having a friend again _she said. That's so true! I'm going to really miss her. And now that I know she's always out there somewhere all on her own… I still think it would be better for any of us if she were to stay here. But it's her decision after all…_

_I feel Hiccup stepping closer to me. 'Hey, I know you guys got pretty close. I'm sorry you're losing a friend.' He says in a gloomy voice. I now he's not happy to let her leave, either. I lay an arm around his shoulder to both our comfort. 'But I still have you.' I reply with a smile. He smiles back at me before we watch Heather disappear._

_'So, now I'm just a friend again?' He asks in a teasing voice. 'I guess that happens when one leaves his girlfriend alone for too long…Ouch!' I tug at a strand of his hair._

_'Serves you right!' I add with a grin. Then I notice something else. 'And what exactly is your hand doing there?'_

_Hiccup attempts to keep a serious expression. 'I have no idea what you're talking about. It is just where it should be' – 'On my butt?' – 'Jep!'_

_Before I can react to this he uses his hold of me to turn me toward him. I try to retreat but he doesn't let me. 'The others…' I start but he interrupts me by kissing me, again. For a moment I forget everything else. The whole world could be on fire right now, I wouldn't notice. I place my hands on his face and his arms around me tighten._

_Then he releases my lips and leans his forehead against mine. 'Guess what?' he asks in a rough voice. 'I don't care…'_

_I close my eyes and smile. Right now I don't care either._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I skimmed over parts of this chapter before posting it now, and it made me shudder. If I had the time and energy, I'd certainly write especially everything around Heather in a different way by now. But as it is, you'll have to live with how I wrote this four years ago...


	6. Team Astrid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With all that's going on, I pretty much forgot to post the other chapters here... I'm sorry! But here you go now.   
> This is one of my favourite chapters of this fic, I think. I have a lot of headcanons about this!

**Dear Diary**

Today Hiccup and I had a fight… Our first real one, I guess… It's… I feel horrible… We talked about how to continue in our relationship. You see… This is a mess, really… Being with him is wonderful. It feels good and right and I don't want to imagine a life without him. But I do… It keeps popping up in my mind that, maybe, I'm not the right one for him.

It's not like there's someone else around if it's that what you think… It's just… I can't give him what he wants, what he needs. I just don't know how…

I carried these thoughts with me for weeks now. I haven't told you before because… because I can't even put it in words. It's so awkward… I just… don't know _how_ to be with him. No one ever told me…

You know me. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to become a warrior, even before Uncle Finn died. Female warriors are not unheard of but they are rare, indeed. My mother was one in her youth but aside from her I don't know any. Heather was forced into this life and Ruff's just following her brother, really…

There was a time, years ago… These days it appears in an altogether different light. I remember nights I spent in the great hall, during meals or feast. There were these groups of older girls and young women that talked in hushed voices. Giggling, they would tell each other about the nights and hours they spend with their boyfriend, betrothed or husband. Every so often, younger girls accompanied them, listening and learning. I was never one of them. None ever thought of inviting me, me the strange warrior girl.

My mother told me the basics … But there's still so much I have absolutely no idea of. And I can't ask Hiccup… It's far too embarrassing. I'm supposed to know these things! And then I don't think that _he_ would know…

You know… being close to him is… overwhelming! I can't keep a straight thought whenever he's touching me, even slightly. I feel like I'm dreaming whenever he kisses me, floating weightlessly through endless clouds. And that's the point! I have absolutely no control anymore. I just know where it might lead us without knowing how to prevent it.

I mean, there are ways, right? It's not like every married woman, and the occasional unmarried, too, is pregnant all the time… there must be ways to prevent it… If only anyone ever told me… Maybe I wouldn't be so frightened these days whenever Hiccup and I are alone… Because I want to be with him! I want to be close to him and even want to… but…

We wanted to talk tonight. Really talk! That was Hiccup's idea, of course. I didn't see the point in the first place. I want him and he wants me. That's not going to change by mere talking… And the rest is not debatable. Neither he nor I want to return to Berk permanently right now in order to care for a child.

Even breaking up wouldn't be a solution. I actually thought about it, which probably shows how desperate I am. But it wouldn't change anything. We would still see each other every day, would have to talk and work together. And since we now know about each other's feelings… No, that wouldn't help. And then it's not what I want anyway.

So, we talked… And Hiccup came up with another 'solution' as he called it. I'd rather call it absurd. Or insane. And totally unfair to everyone involved.

He suggested we should just 'risk it'. Well, actually he stammered about for what must have been several minutes until I finally understood what he meant… The bottom line was that we should 'give in to the tension between us for the greater good'. Can you believe that? And in case we would get a child he suggested that our families could take care of it for a while. Which is where the unfair part begins...

I mean… Sure, it's not uncommon. In fact it would be rather strange if we would do it all on our own. It wouldn't even start much gossip if my family were to take care of my baby especially when Hiccup acknowledges paternity. Stoick would probably want his share, too… But I don't want to burden my family with something like that! They have enough to stem since a few family members from other islands decided to settle on Berk. Additionally I wouldn't want to abandon my child just like that. It would be unwanted right now and I fear that's not something one forgets.

And then… I might not be ready to be a mother now… But If I were to get a child… I want to be there for it. I wouldn't give it away. That's not how I would want it!

But… This tension between us becomes close to unbearable. Sometimes just being in the same room is enough for us to become unable to think straight. It starts to affect our daily life and that might become dangerous. We have to do _something_!

…

Writing all this down really helped me a lot. In a way Hiccup's idea is actually not unlike what I already thought myself. Not every night a couple spends together, well like that, ends in her becoming pregnant. But where Hiccup would simply _risk it_ I have to learn more about it first. Maybe…this might be the only valid solution to this mess. But I have to get back to Berk first. I have to talk to my mother, ask her… Uh, this is going to be awkward… But I don't see any other way. This is, after all, not just about me andHiccup. It's about our entire life at the Edge and about my family…

I… probably have to apologize to Hiccup… I yelled at him pretty badly earlier and… that wasn't fair to him. After all, his plan probably _is_ the only solution… Actually… I'll do it right now!

* * *

_I stand in front of Hiccup's hut and try to gather my courage. I walked here instead of flying in order to give me more time but apparently it wasn't enough. But I have to talk to him. I won't be able to sleep anyway. I take a deep breath and knock._

_And wait._

_Nothing._

_I knock again, louder this time. Could it be that he's actually sleeping? Again, no reaction. I take a look around but can't see anyone. I can hear laughter from the training ring though. I open the entrance to his hut and hastily step inside before I close it again. It is dark in here. I wait for my eyes to adjust then walk over to the stairs. There's no light above as well and it's quiet, too. Too quiet actually for a sleeping dragon. And sure enough Hiccup's bedchamber is empty. I slump down inwardly. I should have known Hiccup would go for a flight after our fight._

_So, it's going to be the hard way… I sneak back out and over towards the stables. The others are still joking around in the ring. I can even hear the stupid chicken clucking. When I reach Stormfly's box she's already awake. 'Hey there' I whisper and scratch her neck. 'Are you up to a flight through the dark?' She croaks enthusiastically. I get her saddle and lead her out of the stables before any of the other dragons awake as well._

_After Stormfly is airborne I start to think about where to look for Hiccup. He could be anywhere, really, and if he doesn't want to be found… A spark of hope flares up inside me and I steer towards our Glowing Cave but find it empty. Just like his favorite cliff or any other place I can think of. I let Stormfly fly on her own now, disappointed. Apparently I have to wait until tomorrow. There's one last thing to try though._

_'Stormfly? Where's Toothless?' I ask and sure enough Stormfly croaks and changes direction. I don't know what it is… But Stormfly is really good at finding Toothless. It doesn't take long until she caws a greeting into the night. I don't see them but I'm sure they saw us. Now it is up to Hiccup… I let Stormfly land on a nearby cliff, dismount and wait. Either Hiccup would talk to me again then he'll find me here soon enough. Or he won't then I have no chance to reach him at all. Stormfly might be good in finding Toothless but catching him is another thing altogether._

_While I stand at the cliff's edge, arms crossed, I watch the sea ahead of me. It's fairly calm since there is no wind to speak of and it's a warm night, too, summer is reaching even this far island. And jet I'm shaking all over. I'm shaking with fear and anticipation. I'm not sure how to fix this mess…_

_I rather feel then hear Toothless soaring to the cliff for there's suddenly a breeze caressing my skin. I can practically feel the tension building, too. The clinking of metal on stone sends little shivering waves through my body. Hiccup stops a step or two behind me and I can feel his gaze resting on me, waiting. I tighten my arms around my chest and turn towards him. He looks just as worn out as I feel. I know it's for me to start but it's hard…_

_'I'm so sorry!' I whisper and feel a lump rising in my throat. I have to say more, explain what made me so angry, but I can't. Instead I feel a tear running down my cheek. Dammit, I hate crying. I wipe it away hastily._

_Hiccup makes the last step toward me and takes me in his arms. 'Me too.' He whispers in a rough voice. 'I had no idea you would react that strongly…' he trails off. I understand the unspoken question. Why did I do it… With his arms around me I feel more courageous. Not having to look him in the eyes helps, too. But it's still hard to describe. I have to try it nonetheless._

_'It… just doesn't feel right to simply…risk it.' I shake my head against his chest. 'It would be utterly unfair to us, our child and our families as well. I just can't be that irresponsible. Can you?'_

_I can feel him swallow. 'I guess not' he admits reluctantly. 'But what else is there?'_

_I take a deep breath and retreat enough for me to look him in the eyes after all. 'There are a few things I have to sort out. Maybe… hopefully the risk can be minimized…' I don't know how to say this. But apparently there's no need to. Hiccup nods with a small smile. 'Okay' he says simply._

_And just like that our fight is over. This understanding between us still works and I'm grateful for it. I lean against him again, not hiding now but rather savoring._

_After what seems to me like just a few moments Hiccup releases me though and gestures back to our dragons. 'Let's get back to the Edge. It's getting late and actually I really wanted to do a small night patrol. I told the others I would be right back. They're probably wondering what takes me so long.'_

_'Hardly' I snort. 'It's more likely that they're doing some stupid nonsense as long as they know you're not there…'_

_And I'm right of course. While flying back to the Edge I notice none of the Night Terrors are at their positions._

**Dear Diary**

A Terror just arrived from Berk. They got attacked but apparently no one got seriously hurt. Yet Stoick ordered us back nonetheless. We'll fly there as soon as possible. The others need a few minutes to gather their things and wake their dragons. That gives me a little time…

As horrible as it is Berk got attacked… It gives me the chance to talk to my mother only an hour after I decided to do so. Because of this I'll bring you. In case I have to take notes… or something…

* * *

_When we arrive on Berk I'm relieved to see most houses are still standing. Apparently Dagur just fired a few catapults and fled, like the coward he is, before anyone could react. We're probably going to lend a helping hand in rebuilding the damaged houses and be off after Dagur in no time. I have to find a chance to talk to my mother in private. Sneaking away during our work maybe…_

_'Astrid?' Stoick suddenly addresses me and pulls me out of my thoughts. What can he want from me? 'One of them was your parent's house.' He continues._

_One of them? One of what? - Shocked I search the village again for the familiar roof, but it's gone. I nudge Stormfly and leave the others behind, not listening to what Stoick shouts after me._

_I already know what I will find. And jet when I dismount Stormfly and stand before the ruins of our house I refuse to believe what I see._

_The house is gone. A few burned beams, that's all what's left of the house I grew up in. Everything else is destroyed. Furniture, belongings… my family! What happened –_

_'Relax lass, your parents are fine.' A heavily singed Gobber approaches me, tries to calm me, 'They were out at the yak races' He informs me. My whole body starts to shake and I cross my arms to hide it. I barely realize Gobber keeps on talking. It doesn't matter anyway. How easily they could have been hurt. Could have been killed even, just like that. 'If they had been home, Gobber…' I start, but he interrupts me soothingly. His words don't register in my mind however._

_I knew Berk got attacked! Why didn't it even occur to me that my family could be affected as well? All I thought about during our daylong flight was Hiccup and how to proceed… Am I really this self-absorbed? I look once more at our destroyed home then turn back to Stormfly only to bump into something solid after one step. Hiccup stood right behind me and now takes me in his arms comfortingly._

_I can't bear it right now! Because of him I practically forgot my family. It fells almost like a betrayal. I push him aside, not looking at him. 'My family' I mumble and hurry past him toward Stormfly._

_I find my parents in the Great Hall where everyone stays for a time who lost his house. Seeing so many people here is strange though up until four years ago it was nothing unusual to have several people here at any time. That changed after Hiccup…_

_I shake my head. I don't want to think about him right now._

_I approach my father who stands nearest to the entrance and tap him on the bag. He turns and his eyes widen before he take me into a bear hug. 'Astrid! Oh, it's good to see you, lass.' He shouts and before I can answer I'm surrounded by my family. My mother is the next to hug me and I return it wholeheartedly. 'For how long have you been here?' she asks. 'We would have greeted you earlier, if…' she trails off, sorrow in her eyes._

_'It's alright, mom.' I reassure her. 'We just arrived. I came here immediately, after… ' I swallow. My Mother pats my cheek. 'So you already know…' She says wistfully. I nod._

_'Ah, it's just a house. We will rebuild it in no time. Make it better even.' My father interjects with a grin. 'There have been things in that house I wanted to change for ages. Now I finally get my chance!' I smile at my father's cheerfulness. He never lost his good mood not even in the direst of circumstances. And it's true he really wanted to rebuild the house anyway. He almost got angry that our house was one of the few that never got burned down by dragons during their raids all these years ago._

_Still smiling I look around into the familiar faces. My aunt Helka is there and I can see her husband playing with their three sons in the back of the hall. There are others, too. Faces I've seen before occasionally but have no names for. So many members of House Hofferson gathered on the peaceful island of Berk. They all could be dead now…_

_But I have no time to follow this line of thoughts for long for I hear a squeal and a moment later two delicate arms are around my neck, hugging me. 'Astrid! You're here! Oh, it's so good to finally see you! I missed you only by days the last time you were here, I was so disappointed. You missed the.. oh, never mind. You're here!'_

_For a moment I'm stunned as to this amount of affection and words alike. But then I recognize the voice and chuckle. 'Hey, Thyra. Didn't know, you're on Berk now, too.' I state, pushing my cousin back a little in order to look at her. She's a year older than me but also a head shorter. Her slim figure and brown eyes reveal nothing of her energetic character. I always liked her although we only met occasionally and she never understood my obsession with sharp edges as she called it._

_'Yeah, Berk is easily the best place to raise a family these days, so we decided to settle here, too.' She blushes slightly at these words but still grins at me. I stare at her dumbfounded. 'You-' Is all I get out before my father interferes. 'Right, our little Thyra got married a few weeks ago. As far as we were informed you guys were quite busy at your Dragon's Edge and Chief Grumpy wouldn't let us send for you…' He scratches his neck. 'But then, weddings are for the newly married couple, for the old ones to remember and for the lovers to get ideas.' He winks at me. 'Where's Hiccup, by the way?'_

_I blush deep scarlet. 'Dad!' I shout. 'How many times do I have to tell you? We're just friends!' The lie gets easily off my lips. We used to have this conversation for so many times back when it was still true. It's almost a reflex.._

_Thyra studies me with a scrutinizing look. 'Hiccup?' She asks. 'Isn't that the scrawny wimp that worked in the forge? The one you disliked so much?' My father guffaws and slaps me on the back. 'That's who I was talking about. Only he's the reason even you are here, lassie.' He winks at Thyra and leaves us to talk on our own._

_'Hiccup?' Thyra asks again, an eyebrow raised._

_I sigh. 'It's a long story. You heard about Berks Mighty Dragon Master, I guess?'_

* * *

_'Thanks guys, this is kind of nice.' I say before everyone else falls asleep soon. I sit next to Stormfly and already know I won't be able to sleep tonight. This day was a horribly long one but I have too much on my mind. I think about taking out my Diary but decide against it. The others are all fast asleep but it still doesn't feel right to reveal it. I have to sort through my thoughts on my own._

_I don't know where to start… I feel horrible for not thinking about my family earlier. I know that it would not have changed anything but to me it makes a difference. The Terrors mail told us no one was seriously hurt but still… Things could have been differently. What if the attack didn't happen on the day of the yak races? What if anyone would have stayed for some duty or other? My parents could be dead! Aunt Helka could be or even Thyra…_

_Thyra and I went for a long walk after we met in the Great Hall. Apparently she along with most other new settlers on Berk didn't know exactly how our peace with the dragons came to pass. No one outside of Berk knows about Hiccup and all the great things he did. I know it's in part because he himself wants it this way. And it's in part because it's safer for him. But I was still hurt on his behalf._

_So I told her starting with Hiccup, Toothless and the Red Death. After I finished with a description of the Edge Thyra smiled knowingly and simply stated 'So, you love him.' Thyra really is a kind of woman I'll never be, drawing this of all conclusions out of my lengthy description. I tried to deny it but she didn't believe me. It's probably my fault. Maybe I was a little too eager describing all the things he accomplished._

_Hiccup is another matter…The way I treated him today, avoiding him as much as I could and being short with him when I couldn't… I know it is not his fault I didn't think of my family earlier. He might have been the reason but he's not to blame. By voiding him I punishing myself but it's not fair to him nonetheless._

_And then there is Berk… Today I often thought about what Hiccup said to me a while ago. That he wished for more Berkians to have their own dragons so they would be saver. This attack proved how right he was, again._

_I can't keep sitting still like this anymore so I get up and wander towards the village. If there had been more Dragon Riders on Berk this attack might have never happened. Stoick and Skullcrusher can't keep the island save on their own at any time. Stoick knew that, too. In the end that's why he offered me the position in the Berk Guard, right? I should have been here to protect Berk! It was my duty to the people of Berk and what did I do instead? Flying off following Hiccup into adventures and fun. And yet I know I would do it again! I would follow him anywhere…_

_I know that it would not have made a big difference if Stormfly and I had been here during the attack. And yet I can't help blaming myself…_

_Suddenly there's movement behind me and someone speaks. 'Can't sleep, eh?'_

* * *

_I sit again by Stormfly's side when the sun comes up. There's one thing Stoick said last night… D_ o everything you can to make sure you never feel it again! _I know I never liked it when Hiccup told me how similar his Father and I were but now I understand what he meant. I can't change what happened. But I have to prevent it from happening again!_

_My first instinct is to follow Dagur immediately, to hunt him down and let him pay for what he did. But I realize that's not what I need to do. Even if I can find him today there will be others afterwards. A prosperous place like Berk will always have enemies. No, what I need to do is strengthen Berk's defenses._

_My heart cramps painfully at this thought. I don't want to leave Hiccup! As difficult as the last weeks were I still want to be with him. I need him in my life. I just can't turn my back on this side of our life at the Edge. Life itself there is great and I don't want to abandon it either. But Hiccup…_

_No, I have to find another solution. One that leaves Berk with a fairly acceptable defense and allows me to return to the Edge._

_I look over to where Hiccup sleeps half draped over Toothless. It would probably be funny if I was in another mood. I wish I could snuggle up to him and forget everything else for an hour or two at least but I don't dare to do so. Instead I just watch him sleep. I have to apologize to him for yesterday's behavior._

_A shadow glides through the old arena where we spend the night. I look up just in time to see a Monstrous Nightmare flying past. That's quiet close to the village for the wild dragons to fly by. Unless… These purple scales…Could it be Fanghook?_

_An idea begins to form in my head. It would be difficult and annoying at best but it could work. It also would provide just the amount of safety Berk needs._

_While the sun gets higher I plan it all out in my head. By the time the others awake it's all decided. I'm finally halfway in to dozing off when I hear Hiccup's voice by my side._

_'Hey' he greets me carefully. 'You got any sleep last night?' he asks, barely concealing his worry. It comforts me to know he's not the unforgiving type._

_'Ah, spent most of the night thinking…' I confess and reward him with a small smile. His eyes brighten slightly. 'So, you're not mad anymore?' he asks, watching me carefully._

_I blink in surprise and then shake my head slightly. I gaze downward, not meeting his eyes. 'I… wasn't mad, at least not at you.' I look up again trying to convey more through looks then words. 'I'm sorry for how I treated you yesterday. I just had a lot on my mind. And…' I trail off, not knowing what else to say with the others around. Hiccup smiles knowingly 'It's alright. I'm just glad you're talking to me again.' I smile and give him a light punch on the shoulder._

_'Well, we're wings up in an hour. Let me help you with your gear.' Hiccup says and I start to fell awful again. What I have to tell him now will hurt him and I can't explain it to him, not right now at least. I only hope I'll get the chance to talk to him later._

_'Hiccup, I've made a decision. I'm not going back to Dragon's Edge. I'm staying here, on Berk.'_

**Dear Diary**

Just as I thought the revelation of my plan caused some kind of uproar. I wish I could forget the look in Hiccup's face… Shock, hurt, betrayal and… I don't know… fear? I tried to put on a good show so no one would see how it hit me… But luckily all worked out pretty well, thanks to Hiccup of course…

He rescheduled the plans for the Dagur Hunt which gave me enough time to talk to him in private. I told him that I'm not planning to stay on Berk permanently, that I'll return once the new Dragon Riders are ready. I told him that I need to do this for my own peace of mind.

I'm glad he'll stay on Berk, too, for a few days at least. I boasted to do it all on my own… But actually I'm not quite as confident… By Odin, I don't even know if there are any Berkians who want to become Riders, except for Gustav of course. I guess I'll see… Hiccup and the others wanted to ask around while I caught up on some sleep just now.

Hiccup offered me his old sleeping chamber since the Haddock House would be deserted all day anyway. It's strange being in here… I've been here before occasionally and it always held some allurement for me. I hoped, dreamed, wished to spend more time here, to sleep in this very bed. Now this room is empty. It's empty of belongings since Hiccup took almost everything of personal value to the Edge. But it's more, somehow. Without Hiccup this room… just a room, I guess. I feel lonely…

It's probably not just this empty room but it brings forth all these feelings I suppressed during the past weeks. I miss Hiccup, almost painfully. But it's more than just that. I miss the simplicity and playfulness of our relationship, even our friendship before. I hate this wall between us, the one I built from fear and ignorance.

* * *

_I stare at the last words I wrote. Fear and ignorance… That reminds me of why I was so eager to get to Berk in the first place. But I don't dare to think about this. I still feel too guilty for forgetting my family._

_I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. It's already past noon and it's time to gather my things and return to the arena. After stowing away my diary I put my pauldrons back on and lace my cuffs anew. I'm still trying to compose myself while putting on my boots when I hear some noise coming from downstairs or more accurately from the front door. I perk my head up anxiously and listen. Please don't let it be Hiccup. Please let it be Hiccup…_

_'Hey sleepyhead! Time to start working.' I hear the intruder's call and slump down a bit. I'm not sure whether it's in relief or anguish though. A moment later the hilarious helmet and greasy blond hair of Ruffnut appears at the stairs. 'Whoa, you're awake already? So walking here really was a waste of time…' she grumbles and turns back down again. I follow her a little puzzled. 'You came to get me?' I ask. 'Why?'_

_She turns and glares at me. 'What do you think? Because our Great Dragon Master ordered me to do so!' She snarls and sizes me up. 'Trouble in paradise, eh? Sort it out, will ya? I'm no errand girl…' I stare after her, bewildered, as she leaves the house. I shake my head and follow her after I'm sure she's gone far enough. I really don't want to deal with her and what she thinks…._

**Dear Diary**

These first two days of my training with the new Dragon Riders are over and I'll try to be objective about it… No one died yet and after I scared away the first few the remaining six seem enthusiastic enough.

To be honest I was a little shocked at first when I realized how dump and clumsy and inapt they all are occasionally. Aside from Spitelout none of them are even warriors and he surely is insufferable in his own way. Imagining Gothi on a dragon is cute somehow but then I remember that she's supposed to defend Berk. That's hilarious! Gustav is by far the most accomplished of my pupils which says a lot…

Well, I simply have to go on, I guess. Hopefully they'll grow with their tasks. Tomorrow I'll allot their dragons. Let's hope no one gets eaten.

Ah, but this is not why I'm writing to you… It is, of course, because of Hiccup… I avoided him as much as possible during the past days. I just don't know how to deal with him right now! I love him so much, it hurts almost physically not to be with him, to touch or talk to him. And that's why I won't allow me being near him right now. I still feel guilty for not caring about my family at all and won't allow any distraction until I'm positive they will be safe.

Well, that was my plan at least… Hiccup spends almost all his time patrolling as he promised. He didn't interfere with my training and didn't even spend much time watching us as so many others did. That makes the training bearable. Only at the end of every day he shows up and that's when my concentration goes up and away.

I want to go to him. I want him to take me in his arms and kiss me. I want to snuggle up to him, feel his body heat and smell the wind in his hair. But I cannot. Not, until my task here on Berk is done.

But circumstances are not in my favor… My parents and Aunt Helka along with her family found shelter in the neighbors' spare rooms until their own house is ready. Thyra offered me their spare room as long as I'm staying on Berk. It's already furnished with a crib, in anticipation, I guess. I made myself comfortable with some furs and blankets on the flour and that's enough, really. I'm used to not sleep in beds after all. No, the accommodation is alright. What make it hard to concentrate are the nocturnal activities of my housemates… Thyra and her husband Carr are barely past their honeymoon and I can hear them, muffled through several walls, but still…

It's so embarrassing and I'm glad they like to sleep in so I'm long gone before they get up in the morning. And though the nights are horribly awkward they also make me curious.

Argh, I must not think of anything like this! First the training, everything else must wait!

* * *

_I stretch and rub my forehead as I watch my pupils leave the arena. Their training goes alright so far. We worked with real dragons today and still, no one died…_

_With a sigh I turn and start to clean up the arena. I can hear footsteps though and know it is Hiccup. The metallic clinking would have given him away but I already spotted him earlier, watching the training. I don't turn and keep working. I still don't know what to say or how to explain it to him. He stands there for a while only a few steps away. I can feel his gaze upon me like a burning touch._

_Eventually he gives up though and steps closer. He places his hand on my back and I tense slightly, longingly. 'Astrid?' he asks and his voice sends tiny shivering waves through my entire body. This is insane! Why do I keep punishing me and him likewise for something that's actually not that big a thing? When I don't retreat Hiccup reaches out to caress my arm, leaving a burning trace where he touched me. I close my eyes, enjoying the sensation despite everything. A moment later I turn though, eventually retreating nonetheless._

_'Hey!' I greet him lightly. 'Any signs of Dagur?' He scrutinizes me and I can see his hands balling into fists at his side. But when he answers his voice is calm. 'No, none' I nod and turn to pick up a broom. He follows me as I carry it to where the others are stashed but when I turn again to get another one he grabs my hand, stopping me. His hand is shaking slightly. I turn my face away from him and close my eyes. I never wanted him to suffer or feel bad because of me. There's an awkward moment of silence between us before he speaks._

_'Will you come tonight?' he asks quietly. 'To the feast I mean. It's mainly for you after all…' Uhg, the feast… Stoick decided to have a feast tonight to celebrate the new Riders-to-be and to thank me for training them._

_'Well, I have to go then, haven't I?' I admit in a small voice. I don't want to go. I want to curl up into a ball somewhere and be miserable._

_'Let's go then. The clearance surely can wait until tomorrow, right?'' He offers me his arm chivalrously and I take it hesitantly. We walk like this in silence until we reach the first houses of the village. There I retreat my arm out of his and put a little more distance between us. He rolls his eyes at me but doesn't say anything._

_'There you are!' a booming voice calls from behind us. Spitelout appears and puts his arm around my shoulder. 'I almost thought you wouldn't show up, lass. Let's celebrate your great training tonight!' I see Hiccup freeze and I, too, tense all over due to this inappropriate familiar gesture. I turn to free myself, hard pressed to not rip off his arm. It's obvious where Snotlout got his insufferable behavior from. But the big Jorgenson patriarch doesn't seem to notice. He keeps on walking toward the Great Hall, bawling._

_Hiccup stares after him then shakes his head. 'That's enough!' he exclaims, grabs my hand and pulls me into a narrow alley between two houses. When we reach the house's shadow he stops, turns toward me and pushes my back against the wooden wall. 'You will talk to me. Now!' he says, his voice calm and serious but I recognize a barely concealed fire burning beneath. I look up into his intense green eyes and swallow. I move my lips but can't bring forth a word._

_When I don't speak Hiccup keeps on talking and there's undeniable hurt in his voice now. 'See, if I did anything to upset you then I'm sorry! I… actually have no idea what it might have been which is probably why you're mad but whatever is was I never meant to hurt you in any way, I assure you!' He's completely keyed up I realize, just like me._

_I lift my hand and place it on his cheek, comforting him and he immediately leans into the touch. 'Hiccup, I told you I'm not mad at you.' His eyes harden at these words so I have to confess more, probably everything. It's always everything with Hiccup…_

_I sigh and bow my head, resting it against his chest, my hand dropping on his shoulder. 'I'm mad at myself!' I admit and already feel the self-loathing rise again inside me. 'It's because of my family. You know, I almost… for you, I mean...I must not…' I'm stammering. I shut up and try anew after taking a deep breath. 'I have to keep them save, Hiccup! I couldn't life with myself if anything where to happen to them, when it was my responsibility…' I trail off, still hiding my face against his tunic. For a few moments there's an almost awkward silence between us. When Hiccup finally talks again, his voice still is full of sadness._

_'Your family… They won't approve of me. I mean, of us… will they?' he says and I finally look up at him again, bewildered. 'What? No! I mean, yes, of course they will! But that's not – ' My assurance is interrupted by yet another group of bawling Vikings passing the entrance to this narrow alley._

_Hiccup jerks his head around reflexively and, probably in an attempt to further melt with the shadows, steps closer to the wall. Closer to me. My heart starts racing as his body presses against mine. He's so close that when I inhale his scent of wind and sunshine begins to cloud my mind. Even in the dimming light I can see every stubble on his chin right before me. Without consciously deciding to do so I stretch and place my lips on his skin. Hiccup freezes. 'Wha-?' he starts and turns toward me again where his lips meet mine. Sweet relief washes through me as he actually starts to kiss me back, leaning even closer toward me. His tough glides over my lower lip and I open my mouth. I tremble slightly when Hiccup first cups my cheek, then lets his hand wander down, caressing my neck and finally entangles his finger in the hair at the nape of my neck. My hands are on his hips, trying to pull him even closer. It's all I can think. More. Closer._ More! _I missed him so much. With quick fingers I loosen the belt around his tunic and let my hands glide beneath it. He makes a beautiful gasping noise against my lips and I can't help but smile a little. My hands caress the skin over his flat stomach, his chest, down his spine and along the line above his pants. He stops kissing me and has a strange look on his face, eyes closed and lips slightly open. I trail a line of soft kisses along his chin and down his neck._

_'Astrid… What—ggnnnhh' he tries but interrupts himself with a low groan when my hands find an especially sensitive spot. I can feel him tremble beneath my fingers and smile again._ I want him _is all I can think. I keep teasing him when he huffs out a question between strained breaths 'So, did you… sort out... your… things?' Hiccup asks._

_I try to understand his question while nuzzling his neck. My mind is too confused, my thoughts too clouded… There is a meaning behind this, I'm sure…_

_I freeze._

_Dammit!_

**Dear Diary**

What a mess! I'm so stupid!

Thank Odin I finally escaped this horrible, horrible feast! And everything attached to it…

It was humiliating. Everything! Stoick's speech, all these people and Hiccup watching me from the background. There was no accusation in his eyes although I really would've deserved it. Just his kindness and understanding and a little sadness overshadowed by a glassy shimmer. He stayed there at this table the whole time. Sometimes someone approached him but his answers were probably too monosyllabic for a conversation or even courtesy. His eyes almost never left me. I know this, because I looked at him, too, even so I tried to do it in a more covert way.

All these people surrounding me… Maybe I could have enjoyed it under different circumstances but tonight it was horrible. I wasn't able to concentrate, to listen to what they were telling me. Their faces and voiced blurred into a noisy ocean and I was about to drown in it. Or so it seemed to me at least.

Eventually my mother pulled me out of it, shooing away anyone who approached me. I know she probably had some questions, too, but kept them to herself leaving me in peace. I'm really grateful to her. And Thyra, too, who sat across me, examining me with a thoughtful gaze.

And I'm not sure I even want to think about what happened before… I never thought one could get withdrawal symptoms from staying away from someone but apparently _I_ can. That's the only explanation I can come up with at least for what happened. I mean… We were practically making out right there in the open for everyone to see. I was so desperate for every single one of Hiccups touches and kisses that nothing else mattered anymore. Not even the caution about how far we go and certainly not the surroundings. Maybe the strain of the past days added to it, too, but still… Nothing excuses my behavior…

* * *

_Hiccup is wrong!_

_I'm not overly tough on my Dragon Rider pupils! Am I…?_

_I look up just in time to see black wings disappear behind a cliff. My heart clenches at the thought of Hiccup leaving. But then, he'll be back in a few days. Maybe these days without him around bring back some perspective…_

_'I'm… done…' Spitelout huffs as he gets up from his twenty push-ups. 'May I… erm… leave then?' he asks almost submissively and I nod. I watch him leave the arena hurriedly and sigh. Maybe I really was a bit tough on them today. Yesterday's bad mood wasn't entirely gone this morning and the memories of the alley and the feast kept popping up in my mind the whole day._

_Am I really stalling as Hiccup implied? If so, then not for the reasons he mentioned… It's not that I want to stay on Berk as long as possible to protect my family. I already know that I won't be able to do so, knew it from the beginning. But I have to make sure they get the best protection possible._

_But maybe… That was probably not all Hiccup implied._ We both know what's going on here _he said… I'm pretty sure he wasn't talking about my family in that moment… I shiver slightly and cross my arms while watching the clouds above me. Am I stalling to keep my distance from Hiccup? Maybe. I'm still no smarter than I was back at the Edge when it comes to our relationship. What happened in the alley yesterday and Hiccups question brought it all back up again. I wanted to talk to my mother but there was way too much chaos for that during the past days. Maybe I'll get the chance to do so until Hiccup returns. I have to or I fear I might lose him to my fears._

_I clean up the arena and then mount Stormfly for a little flight. We had way too few of these lately. I let her pick her path and she croaks happily as we soar up into the sky and I squeak in delight, too. Feeling the wind in my hair again is great. We fly higher and higher until Stormfly changes direction and we plummet in a nosedive towards the ocean. I scream and laugh as she stretches her wings and we glide horizontal again, almost skimming the ocean's surface. Then she get's higher again and we glide calmly toward the setting sun. I have an almost painful déjà vu as clouds in pink and orange surround us and feel a tear running down my cheek. I stir Stormfly back to the ground and lead her to one of the dragon's feeding grounds near the village. I make a decision while I watch her eat._

_I walk over to where my parents are staying these days and already can hear my mother's voice as she scolds someone. I feel sorry for whoever made her this mad. I knock as a warning then open the door and enter the house. My mother looks up and a warm smile covers her former upset expression. 'Astrid, dear, it's good to see you! Are you alright? You seemed so strained yesterday. Did you get some rest? This training must be exhausting! I don't understand why none of the other Riders offered you any help with this. I thought Hiccup at least would help you since he stayed on Berk anyway. But he –' I interrupt my mother's tirade by holding up a hand and putting on a hopefully convincing smile. 'I'm alright, mom' I try to appease her. 'Just a little tired and worn out. With all that happened lately…' I trail off as my gaze falls on my father sitting on a stool behind my mother. He waves at me with a sheepish grin and I realize it was him my mother yelled at earlier. A true smile spreads over my face and I cross my arms challenging. 'What has he done this time?' I ask with the first real humor in weeks._

_'Ah, it's nothing…' My father tries but my mother cuts him of. 'He injured his hand!' she states angrily. 'And not even while rebuilding our house, no!' My father shrinks beneath her glare and I feel really sorry for him._

_'So?' I ask when neither tells me what happened. My mother just keeps glaring and my father fidgets before talking again. 'I…fell.' He admits. 'Ahm… from the table… yesterday. Had to drink when it was in honor of my little girl, right?' I stare at him for a moment before I burst out laughing. This is so typical for my dad._

_I watch my mother as she patches his hand up. Apparently he landed in the broken shards of a dish and cut open half his arm. I get a bit melancholic as I watch them fool around with each other. And I realize that I really can't keep them from all harm. I smile wistfully to myself. I really am stupid… I get up from the bench I sat on, bid them farewell and leave the house. I don't see how I can talk in private to my mother right now. So I'll try anew tomorrow._

_I walk through the dark village. It's quite early and many people are still up and about but fortunately no one takes notice of me. While walking over to Thyra's house I keep thinking. I really should build in more progress in my training. They probably won't have to actually fight in the near future so I'll show them the basics and let them train further on their own. I'll have to ask Stoick to keep an eye on them though…_

_When I reach the house it is quiet inside. Are Thyra and Carr already sleeping? That would be quite unusually. I carefully open the door, making an effort to be as silent as possible but when I look inside I realize that was unnecessary. Thyra sits at the hearth wrapped in a thick blanket. She looks up as she hears me and a relieved smile spreads over her face._

_'There you are!' She exclaims and struggles to get up. I walk over to her and sit down next to her before she's done. 'Is everything alright?' I ask. 'Where's Carr?' Did he got hurt, too, without me knowing? But Thyra waves a hand dismissively. 'Yeah, everything's fine. I send him on an errand. I wanted to talk to you.' She shoots me a meaningful look and suddenly I feel uncomfortable. What would she want to talk to me about? Knowing Thyra I'll know it all too soon._

_'Astrid…' She starts, rather hesitant. I fidget nervously. This will probably be awful… 'I… watched you these days.' She continues. 'and I'm a little worried, really… It was obvious to me when you filled me in the other day that you totally fell for Hiccup. And I'm pretty sure it's the same for him, judging by the way he looks at you. I didn't thought about it much since both of you insist upon being friends but thenI watched the two of you at yesterday's feast. I thought you would tear each other's cloths off then and there by the looks you threw each other... But you also looked so miserable, and... Are you alright?'_

_I buried my face in my hands while she kept talking and let out a groan when it became unbearable._

_'Do we really have to talk about this?' I ask, my words muffled by my own hands. There is a moment of silence before she states 'Yes!' in a determined voice. I look up at her and find her staring resolutely at me. I sigh. 'Why?' I ask in an almost whiny voice._

_'Because I like you!' she exclaims. 'You're strong and courageous and everything I sometimes wished I could be, too. But you've never been good at being a girl.' She looks indicatively at my pauldrons and my axe, that's leaning against the wall by the door. I follow her gaze with narrowed eyes. 'So?' I ask, not without reluctance in my voice._

_'So I figured you need some help. At being a girl for once, I mean.' She beams at me as I stare at her incredulously. 'I AM a girl!' I point out after a moment, but she just shakes her head. 'You know, what I mean! You never behaved like a girl. Even when we were playing as kids you would always take the warrior parts, the male parts.' She pauses, watching me intently and I have to look away.. 'See, if you really think you and your Dragon Master are alright then look at me and say so. I won't bother you ever again.' Thyra waits._

_I have to say it. She'll drop it and leave me in peace. I mentally prepare myself for the lie I'm going to tell her… and hesitate. Because I realize that, maybe, she really can help me._

_I look up at her and she must see something in the way I gaze at her wondering because a kind smile spreads over her face._

_'So, tell me what it is that has you keyed up like that.' She orders and I obey._

**Dear Diary**

There's not all that much time left until dawn but I have to write to you before I'll be able to get any sleep tonight. You know… I wanted to talk to my mother today. I dreaded the thought of talking to her about… this stuff. Even mentioning it to her would have been awfully awkward let alone having a full conversation. I'm glad that in the end this wasn't necessary.

I talked to Thyra instead which was painfully awkward, too, but bearable nonetheless. And there really is a lot she could teach me… There is one thing in particular that settled my worries. She called it fertility cycle and it's probably the answer I sought after. So there really are ways to prevent becoming pregnant, or make it less likely at least. And then she also told me of other ways to… be together. That's the part that was really awkward but also… interesting. I never thought there would be so many possibilities…

Anyway, I'll make some notes to summarize what Thyra told me on the next page and then try to get some sleep after all.

**Dear Diary**

Today really was the best day I had in a very long time! For once the training of my Dragon Riders went fairly well. I let them try some more advanced exercises and they weren't doing all that bad. Maybe I really was too tough on them during the last days and maybe it really was because I was stalling. Or maybe it is just that now I _want_ them to succeed. I want them to be ready when Hiccup returns from Dragon's Edge which will be tomorrow hopefully.

There are so many things… Thyra really is quite imaginative and a few of her… ehm… methods made me pretty curious. Tonight she kept teaching me only more detailed then the night before. When Carr came home and found us still talking I was unable to look at him for all the embarrassing details Thyra just told me. But then it was also pretty funny to watch him going to sleep on his own grumbling while Thyra still stayed with me for some time.

I really hope, Hiccup will be back tomorrow. I know Toothless can make it to the Edge and back again in less than two days.

**Dear Diary**

Hiccup did not arrive yet. He really could do so at any moment now and I'm reluctant to go to bed because of it. I spend many hours patrolling the island today, always keeping an eye out for the desired black wings but they were nowhere to be seen.

Ah, well… the others probably got up to something back at the Edge. They had several days to themselves there after all… I just hope my hut is still intact. I really could do without rebuilding it _again_.

I'm really looking forward to returning to the Edge. My pupils are ready to proceed on their own and since I now know more of the things Thyra told me I don't want to pull through another night of their audible activity…

* * *

_I search the sky for what feels like the billionth time but still Toothless is nowhere to be seen. I sigh and turn back to my pupils. Actually they don't deserve this term anymore but I'm determined to not let them know until I finally leave them to their own devices. If the others really got into mischief back at the Edge, and I'm almost sure by now that that's the case, then Hiccup probably needs some time to fix it. That leaves me with way too much time right now… I already thought about flying back on my own but chances are too high that I might miss Hiccup on his way back._

_So today I had to come up with some new exercises. I watch Gustav as he draws a circle to the ground with red paint as I ordered him to. He returns the paintbrush back to me and after he got back to his fellow pupil I start to speak to them._

_'Not all combat is in the air' I state and let the brush audibly fall into the paint to get their undivided attention. 'Today we're going to practice precision landings… – Like that!' I add, as Skullcrusher makes a perfect landing inside the circle._

_'Astrid!' Stoick calls out and I look up to him sitting on his massive dragon. I talked to him just yesterday about the progress the new Riders were making and that he would have to keep an eye on them after Hiccup returned. Does he want to give it a try now while I'm still here to rectify? But now, a man like our Chief would probably not be rectified willingly by a younger warrior. I do believe he respects me but that doesn't make me his equal._

_'We just got a Terrible Terror from Hiccup!' He continuous and I can feel my heart leap. Finally! He did not return himself but that's just as well. He probably lets me know that he'll stay at the Edge, maybe asking me to return as well. If so he probably did it reluctantly remembering the way we parted. I feel a giddy joy bubbling up inside me._

_'Dragon's Edge is under siege by Dagur's fleet.' Stoick finished and the joy I felt a heart beat ago vanishes just like that. What? How can this be possible? How did Dagur find the Edge? But that's not important right now…_

_'How many ships?' I ask in return letting my warrior instincts kick in. I hurry towards Stormfly after hearing his answer. Too many! But before I can think straight again Spitelout approaches me, followed by Gustav and Gothi. They want to help, too, but I won't let them. They are far too inexperienced as Dragon Riders to take part in a real fighting._

_'Let's go' I nod towards Stoick and a moment later we're airborne and on our way to the Edge. I finally have time to let what this means sink in. Hiccup and the others are under siege, violently so probably considering Dagur's lack of patience. So that's what got him delayed… I shiver at the thought that Stoick and I could be too late. Hiccup might be fighting for his life at this very moment and I'm not by his side where I should be. I squint in anguish as tears of rage threaten to break through._

_'Don't blame yourself, lass' Stoick's deep voice cuts into my thoughts like a knife. 'You couldn't possibly have known this would happen.' He tries to sooth me but it has the opposite effect._

_'Couldn't I?' I yell angrily. 'So I can't even outthink a simpleton like Dagur?' My eyes start stinging but I can't help it right now. 'I thought I was doing the right thing this time! I wanted to make sure I'll never feel it again, this helplessness and guilt. But I just made the same mistake again!' A first tear is running down my cheek and I wipe it away angrily but it's no good. 'I should have been there with him!' I sob and bow my head to hide my face from Stoick._

_For a moment he simply lets me be miserable but when he talks again his voice is tinted with a concern I never before associated with our Chief. 'And then what? You would be under siege as well. Now we have a chance to break though their ranks, you and I.' This… actually makes sense. I look up surprised only to find a comforting smile on the bearded man's face._

_He nods at me and we speed up our dragons. Hopefully we won't be too late._

* * *

_I can feel Hiccup approaching and turn to smile at him briefly before we watch the A-Team disappear in the distance. There hasn't been time to talk even for a moment until now with the siege, the fight and my little speech to my former pupils just now. But now I feel the anticipation rise inside me. I still have to work through the fact that Stoick and I actually made it in time after this Loki-driven race to the Edge._

_Now it slowly starts to sink in. We warded Dagur off and secured the Edge once more. And Hiccup, along with the others, is safe. I can feel his presence behind me like warm waves rolling over me, washing away all the accumulated anxiety in the process. 'So, you'll really stay at the Edge?' Hiccup asks and I finally turn toward him. 'I… never intended to stay away' I admit hesitantly. 'Not for good, at least.' He rewards me with a warm smile full of love which makes me wish we were already alone. I hastily look around. Aside from Snotlout who's slowly starting to pick himself up nobody's around._

_I give Hiccup a peck on the lips and whisper 'I love you!' before turning and leaving him standing there, startled._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was that. I hope you liked it :)


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